Kittens Community Service: The Phantom Menace

Breaking News


Lindsey Lohan, who was issued a warrant for her arrest after failing to comply to court orders, was arrested this morning after a tense police standoff that lasted almost 6 hours. Police had been looking for the actress ever since she again failed to show up for her scheduled court appearance this past Monday. Lohan was then spotted throughout the week by paparazzi as she went from nightclub to nightclub, all the while looking more and more haggard. TMZ also caught her on video in the parking lot of the Devils Backbone Nightclub doing what seemed to be cocaine. When they asked her if she was worried about jail time she added, "fuck the police, they couldn't catch the Clap." Police were never far behind though and caught up with her this morning at the Four Seasons Hotel. When an officer presented himself to her she pushed down the friend she was with and ran. The officer gave chase but Lindsey quickly threw a bottle of pepper spray towards him, causing the officer to trip. Lindsey then flashed her card key to her room, dived inside and promptly locked her door. The next few hours were spent by officers trying to find away into her room after she barricaded her door and placed mattresses over her windows. Eventually the officers pushed through and Lohan was arrested, charging her with resisting arrest, attacking a police officer and vandalism. She is being held without bail and should be placed before a judge Monday morning. More as it develops.
"Quote of the Week"

"I'm gonna eat all you Bitches for breakfast"

jlh.png

Jennifer Love Hewitt



spoken right before a game where she went 22 kills and 2 deaths, her best ever.
Public Service Announcement
We would just like to remind you that the Alt menace is anything but under control. Plans are underway to change this though but your Government needs your help. Currently they are working on building a temporary relocation camp for all the Alts in the game. Here the Alts will be happy and content among their own kind with plenty of work to do all day and some of the night. Many people are saying that these camps are nothing more than concentration camps modeled after the Nazis, we are here to quell these rumors. Yes, each alt is issued a number and yellow star tattoo but that is the only connection with those horrible camps. Remember, we need your help in stamping out the Alt menace, so if you are of pure blood and know where one is hiding, then please do not hesitate to contact your local Alt police unit and let them know where they are. For your Family. For Your Nation. For your World.

This has Been a TM:PSA paid for by donations from Viewers like you.

Announcements
The Clan known as Muse would like to announce that they are not amused.
Weekly Horoscope with....

[ZETA] Yadiras69

Aries- DUUUDE MAKE ME AN OUTLAW ONE N U GOT A FKNG BUYER FOR SUUURE >_<

Libra- GOSH dam life and relationships change fast as fuk xD

Taurus- STUD MUFFIIN xD aajajajaj

Scorpio- ajjajajajaj xD yes yes we r all the same in the inside but still !!!!BROWN PRIDE!!!! ^_^ sorry cant help it its the Mexican in me hahahha xD

Gemini- XD ajajajajajja itz Cuz im gangster like that ahhahaha jk

Sagittarius- FUUUUK para mi no hay como uno de los orginales del rock en español ^_^

Cancer- WELL U JUST DID lol ^_^ uve been spanglished

Capricorn- XD aaajajajj y si puro 69 ahhaha thanks clanie

Leo- But i like wearing glasse i think i look beter with than with out them ^_^ i think O.o?

Aquarius- Sometimes as i drive here and there i start contemplating the universe and my place in it and after so many thoughts n questions I come to the deep conclusion that ESTOY PINCHE LOOKA/im crazy 1910 im fuking insane honestly so don't take my shit personaly im just fuking insane.

Virgo-1885:

Pisces-U SAAAAAAAUUUUK

JobJob's Video of the Week
Finger Eleven - Drag you Down
Past Community Service

Community Service Vol#1


Was Lost, never to be seen or read again........
or a least till I get off my rear end and put it back together

Community Service Vol#2

With a Quote from JFK... yeah check it out if you want to see the rest! simply because I (JobJob) am to damn lazy to write out a lovely summery for you.

Community Service Vol#3

The Revenge of the Service: Glitches & Hoes, FishGreaseMazon, Movies, and a very odd picture of JobJob

Community Service Vol#4

The Service Takes Manhatten, The lose of our beloved .tk, and simply the page that I was to lazy to lay out all proper like.
Twitter/Facebook/Google+
You Like this Section? Think others might Enjoy it? Then do Something about it and Give the Kat some credit! and share the fun with your non Twisted Friends!

Plus these little thing a bobbers have counters on them, and Kitten might not feel like NO ONE is actually reading her comic brilliance!

Breaking News(continued)
Lindsey Lohan, who only earlier today was arrested for failing to show for court, has escaped from custody in what some are calling the most daring getaway ever performed. While in route to a Beverly Hills police station, Lindsey apparently picked the lock to her handcuffs, kicked out the backseat window and then dove through it, falling onto the freeway. After rolling for almost 30 feet, Lindsey jumped up and ran towards a construction site located on the opposite side of the freeway. Dodging both bullets and speeding traffic, she ran like a woman with nothing to lose and everything to gain. Suddenly, according to officers on the scene, a black helicopter appeared over the construction site and opened fire. When it was cleared of police, the helicopter touched down and started shooting cover fire for Lohan. She then,using Parkour type moves, traversed the construction site and jumped into the helicopter. As a final show of her defiance, Lindsey grabbed a gun and shot out two more police cruisers, injuring four officers. It is believed she may be trying to flee to Mexico but has not been confirmed. Police are asking that if you have any information on her whereabouts that you contact them immediately. Video of the Helicopter used in the Lohan Escape Job
Kitten's Community Service
You want to know a secret? I still don't have Warthog...
This is a very frustrating fact of my gaming situation that I don't tell anyone, ever. I just can't get gold on that last stage. Got gold on all the other stages but the last kicks my ass every time. I literally was 20 seconds off the gold last time I tried, I almost threw the controller at the tv, I was pissed. What does this mean to you? Nothing really, I just needed to get it off my chest.

I also cant play more than three games at a time without taking a break. No idea why this is, it just is.

Then there is the weekly ranking. The best Ive ever done on it was 12th place. I really really tried that week. Currently I am ranked 195 for the week, this means that 195 more people other than me have played this week. if you go by Taranators ranking, 206, still more people have played. How many were alt accounts though? If you know, tell your Government.

Why am I telling you all this? Its not like many read this so no one is really going to know.

People I hate to play: Blackforce(I'm soooooo glad he is in my clan now cuz I cant stand to fight him, I always die) Yadaris(beats me every time) Lusio(again with the beating) and most especially, KungFuBullets(not that he beats me, he is just an ass, I mean it, he is the reason people will stop playing the game). Understand, I dont dislike these people, I actually like them all(except KungFu) even Lusio. Its just that I cant kill them(except Kungfu)

People I enjoy playing with: JobJob(I always enjoy playing Jobjob, Tara says the same, for some reason he makes the game quite fun) Trollaidz(despite his obvious dislike of playing against me, trollz is fun to play against, although he has gotten more aggressive lately) Comm(I still cant figure out how he kills my meatwagon in one freakin shot) Actually, pretty much everyone in my clan and everyone else in the game(except KungFu, asshole)

A note about Apu, has anyone else noticed that Boston Apu and DirtyApu are two separate personalities? Seriously, Boston is nice, helpful and there when you need him and DirtyApu is kind of a dick(in a good way)What I mean is Dirty is the exact opposite of Boston, from a psychological standpoint its actually quite fascinating. I like them both though.
So why did I tell you all this? I had to fill my community service time some way......

Join us next time when we talk about Twisted Metal, the Broadway Musical, we show you the best way to use your kill streak and show you why Snoop Dogg only mains Crimson Fury(and has a 97 skill level!) All this plus a prairie dog that loves Last Man(adorable) in the next issue of Community Service.

............Breaking News..........
untitled.pngLast week she was a troubled young actress, yesterday she was a fugitive who staged an amazing escape from police custody, today though, Lindsey Lohan is dead. After yesterdays helicopter/freeway getaway, police were telling reporters that she might possibly be heading to Mexico or South America, where she still has fans(Columbia has an amazingly large amount of fans for her film Freaky Friday, the trading card game that followed the films release only found popularity there and is still played by students). She would be desperate, broke and seemingly willing to do whatever it took to evade capture, a fact she was more than willing to prove.

Following the freeway incident, Lohan was spotted throughout the night, sending police on what seemed to be a wild goose chase, but as of yet it is unconfirmed whether or not a goose may actually be involved. What is confirmed though is where Lindsey went throughout the night, starting with In&amp;Out Burger directly after the freeway(she got a vanilla shake, small fries and a burger). Next she was seen at Sparse, a nightclub located(the owners of Sparse wish to remain a strictly hush, hush club, where the only way to find it is to know someone who knows where it is, a fact that apparently was quite the headache for law enforcement trying to find it after receiving the report), then at not one but two Wal-marts, where she was spotted buying little travel accessories, one being a tiny bottle of shampoo. Finally, at 3 A.M., police caught a break when the helicopter she escaped in was seen flying over a Denny's in Wilmington, DE. Not wanting a repeat of yesterday, police waited until Lohan was finished with her french toast meal and had started for the copter. Caught off guard by the sudden rush of police, at first Lindsey seemed to think that what was surrounding her was nothing more than paparazzi and covered her face, it was actually a kind of awkward moment. Realizing that these were not photo hounds, Lindsey decided that she was going to give them an autograph, an autograph written in her own blood! (Sorry for the overly dramatic line, I tried to explain to my editor that it was a little much but he insisted, we compromised with me keeping the line but adding this explanation to you) She then charged at one of the officers, who opened fire, hitting her in the left leg. Screaming at the top of her lungs she then leaped(from her good leg) into the air and did what can only be described as simply amazing. You know that move from Street Fighter 2? The one Chun Li does where she twirls through the air kicking for about five or six feet? That move, Lindsey Lohan did that freaking move, what's even more amazing is that it worked and she took out the officer firing on her(he had actually stopped shooting so as to watch her kick, even he was amazed). I hope someone recorded it, it was awesome. Sadly though, that was all Lohan had time to do. Directly after landing her kick, all other officers surrounding her opened fire, killing her instantly.

Lindsey Lohan dead at age 27, but looking like she was at least 40. Disney released this statement following the incident, "We are saddened by today's events, Lindsey was not only a great actress, but a singer as well. We have put both Freaky Friday 2, Freakier Friday and Herbie 2, Locked and Loaded, on hold. We are currently in talks with Selena Gomez to possibly take over the roles left empty by Lindsey. Today, the Disney flag flies at half mast."

News

A Man and his Squatch


images.jpegFor years Cryptozoologist Mark Jacobs has been on the trail of Bigfoot, searching everywhere from the Ozark Mountains to the Appalachian Trail, even to a Macy's One day sale, Mark has been everywhere and seen it all in the name of Bigfoot science. Despite the questionable facts surrounding Bigfoot Mark has always been a staunch believer and in his new book, Finding my Footing, he talks about how his belief led him through some pretty rocky slopes in his life, from his fathers alcoholism to the crumbling of his marriage, Bigfoot saw him through it all. Below is a brief snippet of the book which is being released next month from Bantammy Books. We had been tracking the creature for three days. I felt, though I was probably alone in this feeling, that we had never been closer to finding Bigfoot than we were at that moment. The signs were everywhere, from the strange feeling of being watched to all of our coffee being stolen the day before(I still don't know why Bigfoot loves coffee but he obviously does, 14 field expeditions, 13 times our coffee gets stolen. The only time I bring tea, he stole all my clothes and left the tea.) we were going to see him this time, I just knew it. As we walked, every sound seemed to come alive and pop in my ear as if whatever was causing them was right there next to me. The sway of the trees in the wind..... the scurry of little forest animals....... the heavy, dull breathing of Carl(map expert), who had been struggling to keep pace since leaving that morning from camp. I hated that we always brought Carl, he always seemed to just slow things down and depress everyone. I've never seen someone so sweaty in all my life, but he makes a mean western omelet so we bring him. Suddenly, Carl's emergency phone started to vibrate. He answered and handed it to me, drenched in sweat. It mas my mother calling to say that dad had passed in the night. I was stunned. I dropped the phone and cried right there. Amanda(tech expert), sensing that something wasn't right, I never cried on field expeditions, came over and lightly patted my back. Robert(tracker), feeling awkward at seeing a grown man cry, yelled out that he heard something and ran away. It was the last we ever saw of him. Kenshi(ninja) appeared from the shadows. That night I sat around the campfire with my friends and we talked of my father. Each had their own story to tell, some funny, some sad. As I sat and listened to them all I felt grateful to have such good friends at such a time in my life, all of us brought together under the one common goal of finding Bigfoot. I know that Bigfoot felt bad for me too. In the morning after, upon leaving my tent I found a bundle of flowers. Badly clumped together and hastily arranged, they were placed at the foot of my tent so I would find them, and all of them had the same distinct smell of piss and shit and coffee that always goes hand in hand with Bigfoot. When I picked them up I found a child's birthday card that had obviously been out in the woods for quite some time. The words Happy Birthday had been scratched out from the front and inside something had tried to write something new, Soree fuur th luss. All I could do was hold the card and cry. Finding my Footing is out now at bookstores everywhere and available on Amazon.


"We Really Can't Find the Bastard"


waldo.jpgFor over twenty years now the man known to police as Waldo the Traveler has stolen some of the worlds greatest treasures from the most secured buildings in the world. Police are at a loss as to who this mysterious man is that has claimed nearly thirty million dollars in stolen artwork and, more importantly, they have absolutely no clue as to where Waldo might actually be. The police do have some leads though, they know he doesn't work alone for one thing and that his heist usually will take place on the locations busiest day of the year, making it especially hard for investigators to get evidence. We spoke with Terry Sands who is one of the detectives handling the case of the Fantastic Journey, (where Waldo stole four separate works of Art valued at 3 million a piece) "Since taking on the Fantastic Journey investigation, I have been everywhere you could imagine, every continent, 12 separate countries and dozens of cities and towns, always with the same results, no Waldo. We no he's not alone in his crime. Witnesses report seeing a man dressed as an old white wizard with a walking stick, a brown dog, which could just be a coincidence, dogs are everywhere, and dozens and dozens of people all wearing the same white and red striped shirt. We don't even have any leads on any of these individuals, it's like Waldo is simply toying with us. It's one of the most frustratingly fun searches I've ever been apart of. We'll catch him though, it's only a matter of time." If you know the whereabouts of Waldo please contact your local authorities.


Innocence Lost Forever


The first and only Thundercat to have ever been placed in captivity died yesterday at the age of 43, sadly, he was the last of his species as well. The Thundercat was native to Nepal and first marked endangered by the IUCN in the late eighties, but most feared that it was a little to late for the animal when its total number came to just 18 known adults. Conservationists rushed to support for the majestic cat but in 1994 its last living male was found shot by poachers in Northern Bhutan. The Thundercat, nicknamed Lion-O by the field activists that rescued it, was placed in critical care at the Sundarbans Tiger reserve in Bangladesh. When the reserve could no longer care for the animal, a call was sent out to try to find a final home for it. The Boston Zoo quickly stepped forward and built a 5.6 million dollar shelter and, after much hype, it finally opened in the spring of 96 when Lion-O stepped out of his carrier and onto his new home, turned in a circle five or six times, stretched and promptly went to sleep. Most fear that the Bengal Tiger, which has a base of less than 2,200, is next in line for extinction. Efforts are underway to save it but illegal poaching and government bureaucracies keep things two steps back for every half a step forward that the tigers protectors try and make. It does not look good for the Bengal. Thundercats. Ho!
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