Kittens Community Service 7: Die Harder
Shareholders at Community Service are confused today following a recent announcement happening right now stating that, the tabloids elusive editor/owner,Mr.JobJob PlayRough, confirmed to his own reporters that Crestwire Inc.., the publishers behind the magazines "Cat Fancy", "Dog Fancy" and "Fancy that! It's a Horse", will be merging with Vanity&Co., itself the publishers behind Community Service, People, and Cheri magazines. The news comes as no surprise to most in the publishing world after recent announcements were made last fall saying how Community Service had closed both its offices in London and Sydney, claiming lack of interest as its reason. A month after the shut down, Wikileaks released on its website some paperwork it found in the London office stating the real reason for the closure(since they already released the reason there is no use in us typing it here for you to read, it just makes a lot of unnecessary work for us and I've got too much going on in my life to just be rehashing something already said on another website, thanks.) What does this mean for Community Service? How will the readers react to such news? Will Marcy marry Robert, or will she elope with Jenny, her Maid of Honor and best friend of 12 years? Stay tuned for all the steamy details in....... Community Service.
"Quote of the Week"

"I am the greatest Mutha Fuckin Reaper that eva Mutha Fuckin lived!"

bill.png

Bill Cosby



spoken during a clan match between the X clan and the Huxtable clan (HuxT)
Weekly Horoscope with....
MoMmY

Aries- so uhm...I'm gonna need an invite back to =eX= please, k thanks! ^_^

Taurus- Hakuna Matata!!!!

Gemini- lol good stuff xD Strip pong, eh? hehe sounds fun ^_^

Cancer- I can't give you one maaaaaaaaan my admin thingy was taken away! :p

Leo- Where the hell did my video go? 1890

Virgo- google it trollz xD

Libra- Well, I like to ram,

Scorpio- Moar porn, yes!

Sagittarius- put a zombie on the bicycle, duct tape his feet to the pedals!!!!

Capricorn- I would never breed with a man who chooses talon

Aquarius- I happen to like ratchet and clank!!

Pisces- I'll take "LOYALTY" for $500 please

JobJob's Video of the Week
Sstone Sour - Do Me a Favor
Past Community Service

Community Service Vol#1


Was Lost, never to be seen or read again........
or a least till I get off my rear end and put it back together

Community Service Vol#2

With a Quote from JFK... yeah check it out if you want to see the rest! simply because I (JobJob) am to damn lazy to write out a lovely summery for you.

Community Service Vol#3

The Revenge of the Service: Glitches & Hoes, FishGreaseMazon, Movies, and a very odd picture of JobJob

Community Service Vol#4

The Service Takes Manhatten, The lose of our beloved .tk, and simply the page that I was to lazy to lay out all proper like.
Twitter/Facebook/Google+
You Like this Section? Think others might Enjoy it? Then do Something about it and Give the Kat some credit! and share the fun with your non Twisted Friends!

Plus these little thing a bobbers have counters on them, and Kitten might not feel like NO ONE is actually reading her comic brilliance!

Corrections with aVeryAngryKitten
I just realized that this weeks community service makes absolutely no sense. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? There is no connection to when I'm talking about people reading to the leap when I'm talking about the internet. I sincerely apologize for this mistake on my part, rest assured, at the time of my writing that a few days ago I totally had a connection between the two, although I can not for the life of me remember what the connection was.......shit.......Well, you probably can make the connection yourself at home. Hell, you can even make some kind of mystery game out of trying to figure the whole thing out....yeah, that will be fun for you I'm sure. Get the whole family involved even.

After all, you really should probably call your mother, God knows you've been avoiding her calls for a while now. All she really wants is to make sure you're okay. So what do you say? Are you going to stop reading this and call her? Good....I'm really glad to hear that.

This has been Corrections with aVeryAngryKitten.

Public Service Announcement
mpsdebatedaylightsavin006.jpgWith more cops on duty, more volunteer patrol services and a new, stricter punishment for criminals than of years past, it's looking like this years annual Daylight Savings Spring forward, Fall back, will be less about time travel crimes and more about actually saving some daylight. Last year was a record year in time travel crimes committed on or around Daylight savings time, the only day of the year that time travel is even possible, with over 236 murders, 28764 robberies and 689,976 timeline takebacks(which sees people do something wrong an hour before the time shift and then take it back as if nothing happened when time shifts to an hour before or after). This year though police are hoping to cut those numbers in half with more community awareness campaigns and more officers on duty at the time of the shift. (with the exception of Arizona, who will see no such time shift due to the polarity of the Earth at the time of the change) One of the biggest hurdles facing us as usual is the over abundance of Half-lifes that come hand in hand with Daylight savings, causing headaches for both hospitals and family members alike. Half-lifes, in case you didn't know, are the people who were supposed to have died during the change in time but didn't, placing them in a sort of controlled stasis until the time shifts back. These people raise many concerns for the public as they are met with both fear and pity by those who they come in contact with. Imagine waking a month from now after being in a coma and finding out you were supposed to die during the time shift, while you may feel better, you also know that when the time changes back you will be dying as scheduled and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. Many Half-lifes face their last moments with a respectable attitude, but there are some who choose a more anarchist attitude towards all they meet. If you meet any of these types of Half-lifes during the months before the next time shift, police are asking you to contact them immediately and they will send a response team to handle the situation. Overall, let's make this time shift fun and worth while for everyone involved, after all, think of all the Daylight you will be saving
Kitten's Community Service
Recently I was asked in a chat room what I do this for. Basically, the person asking me was, in a round about way, putting me down along with Community Service saying you cant have the service if no one in the community reads it.

So why do I do this? That's a very good question actually.....
I knew going into this that we are a headline only society and would be lucky if anyone even glances past the Service tag in the menu, let alone clicks it. But why is this exactly? When did we stop reading past the first few sentences, instead opting to tell people that it is just to much to read? I cross this kind of mentality all the time in my work and I have never been able to understand it.
Would people prefer that I dumb down the words or over simplify them, kinda like Jim Carry did to comedy? When did reading become so difficult for people to do?

Here's a little secret about myself, I absolutely hate the internet. It is the single handed most destructive invention mankind has created. On the same page, I love the internet as well, it has after all, linked far away lands and people, helped those in need in Dictator ruled nations and given us more porn than you could ever imagine(actually, the porn has done a ton of damage as well). I'm not going to go into my many reasons for hating the internet because they probably will not be read but if anyone wants a debate on this topic, I am more than willing to oblige.

So that's it for today.....maybe next week I'll be in a better mood, today I'am just depressed.

News

Disney, Shooting Up Stars Vol. 1


mileycyrs.pngHanna Mon-, Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus and some woman, told TMZ that since her show Hannah Montana ended, she has been "really busy." She also said that while she has nothing confirmed as her next project, she is confident that something will come up soon, adding,

"I've been reading over some scripts to movies and writing some lyrics for a possible new album, but I totally don't want to rush into anything right at this point in my life." But she is totally poised to maybe get work sometime soon. "I can't just live off Hannah Montana my whole life, gotta get back on the horse sometime. When that sometime is though, will be totally up to me."

Can't wait Miley.

Pulling Trix


images1.jpgThe Trix cereal rabbit was arrested today following an L.A. prostitution sting after reports stating that the rabbit had been performing sexual acts with delinquents for bowls of cereal.

The rabbit, who released a statement following the arrest, had this to say, "I'm just glad that it's all out in the open. Did you people not ever pay attention to those commercials? The kids were saying, no, crying out, Tricks are for Kids! I have a problem, I can admit this. I will seek help following my judgment. Thank you" No word yet from the Trix cereal makers.

Dude Can Swim


michaelphelpspicture1.jpgFor Micheal Phelps(no relation to the swimmer) his personal walk with God has been met with many ups and downs, but upon hearing the news that his girlfriend of three years is pregnant, he has decided that if his son turns out to be the anti-christ, it wouldn't be so bad. "It all came about when me an some buddies from the fire department where I work were talking," Micheal told us via satellite last Tuesday,

"James from Hose keeping told me that with all my sinning, he wouldn't be surprised if my kid turned out to be the anti-christ. Well, at first I was mad as hell, but then after thinking about it for awhile, well, I decided it probably wouldn't be all that bad. I mean, at least I would have accomplished something and....... shit man, I know that my boy would be successful. It ain't that bad when you think about it."

His Pastor, upon hearing Micheals words only prayed.


*Special Note from the Editor dude*
The picture is of the real Micheal Phelps.....
Which was requested personally by the writer, I mean come on, why else would she write a story about a false Mr. Phelps....

Gary Busey's 1st Headline Story Since the "Picture"


garybusey.pngIn a moment of inspiration, actor Gary Busey, star of such films as "The Buddy Holly Story","Lethal Weapon" and "Under Siege", discovered a cure for colon cancer after many years of research, done out of his basement in his Malibu, California home. The medical community is in stunned silence. "I don't know," Gary Busey told us by telephone last Tuesday night, "I was sitting there, looking at my feet, I got a bad ingrown toenail, watching "The Hunger" with Susan Surandon, she is an amazing actress isn't she? "White Palace" is an amazing film ain't it? James Spader is in it too. You ever seen that show he's on? That lawyer show? It's good. William Shatner is in it.(very long pause, seems to be thinking) Captain Kirk! That's amazing. Do you think there are aliens here now? I do. They're everywhere. So I'm sitting at the edge of my bed, rubbing my feet, when it hits me! Bam!(get's right into phone, breathing heavy, yells) I got it! And I rush down to the basement, where my cancer rats are, and mix my potion of science up and....

Bam! Cure for cancer." The full medical report on his findings will be released tomorrow.

A Horses is a Horse of Course... unless its the Famous


pegasusness.jpgAs everyone knows, the Unicorn is a magical horse that will appear whenever they are needed. For years Unicorns have been magically appearing here and there, helping men and women in dire straights, such as when Baby Jessica fell down a well in the late eighties. As the old saying goes, "the only thing a Unicorn can't help is your Herpes." But what about the Unicorns distant cousin(probably by marriage) the Pegasus, are they magical? The answer, sadly, is no they are not. Since their discovery in 1974 by three mountain climbers scaling Everest, the Pegasus has been viewed as a thing of beauty and taste(at least in Jersey, where horse meat is still wildly accepted as a dinner dish), but has anyone ever seen the Pegasus do anything other than fly? According to Richard Ying, the foremost expert on everything Pegasus related, the answer will not only shock you, it will be sexy to you as well. "I'm here to tell you now, the Pegasus is not and never will be magical. Sure, a lot of people cried magic when a Pegasus won the Kentucky Derby(Fly By Night-1996), but it just flew over the other horses, nothing else. It's not like it cast a spell, which would have been magic. Hell, a Pegasus can't even talk like a Unicorn. It's actually a very dumb animal, dumber than your average horse even. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news."
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