Kittens Community Service 7: Die Harder
fart.jpgThe following Community Service has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. Persons under the age of 17 are required to get permission from a parent or legal guardian before viewing the contents of this issue, parents on the other hand, are strongly advised to not allow their children to view the contents of this issue on account of all the nudity and heavy use of the word "fart". Normally the use of the word fart would not be a reason to have children turn away, the word, at best, is PG, but in this particular issue it will be used in an R rated type scenario. Thank you.
"Quote of the Week"

"I fucking hate Skyline."


jlo.png

Jennifer Lopez

Announcements

We are sorry for the inconvenience but your regularly scheduled announcement will not be read today so that we may bring you this......

FART

JobJob's Video of the Week
Vast - Pretty When you Cry

Vast - One more Day

Past Community Service
Links have been FIXED!!

Community Service Vol#1


Was Lost, never to be seen or read again........
or a least till I get off my rear end and put it back together

Community Service Vol#2 With a Quote from JFK... yeah check it out if you want to see the rest! simply because I (JobJob) am to damn lazy to write out a lovely summery for you.

Community Service Vol#3
The Revenge of the Service: Glitches & Hoes, FishGreaseMazon, Movies, and a very odd picture of JobJob

Community Service Vol#4
JobJob's Mess up, Quote from the Duke, Hunted Team Hunted and other random Goodness..... better the chocolate!!!

Community Service Vol#5
The Service Takes Manhatten, The lose of our beloved .tk, and simply the page that I was to lazy to lay out all proper like.

Community Service Vol#6
The Phantom Menace: Horoscope with Yardiras, Lindsay Lohan, JLH, and Now Warty for a Kitty.

Community Service Vol#7
Die Harder: Horoscope with Mommy, Bill Cosby, and something about some asshole that asked me a question

Community Service Vol#8
Yeah..... your reading this one

Random Gamer Pics
For the Guys....
thegamertest480x300.jpg One for the Ladies....
drake.png Sorry ladies.... could seem to find a really good looking gamer dude... go figure
Twitter/Facebook/Google+
Community Service Part 1
I'm a Death Match player.
There, I said it. I enjoy playing Death matches more than team. Do you have any idea how good it feels to tell you that? Don't misunderstand, I enjoy a good team game also, just not as much as Dm. The reason for this is simple, Twisted Metal was not designed for Team games.
Besides this version, which other TM has the option for team based game play? Not one.
Then there's the fact that the one actual team game I like in TM very rarely gets played. I'm of course talking about Team Hunted, the one game that is strategy based and yet doesn't get any playtime.
While we are talking about Hunted, can someone out there please tell me what it is that you dislike about Hunted and team hunted? Im really interested to understand why these games are hated so much. I get why people hate Last man(you only get 1 life and then you have to sit there watching after you die)
Also, why are all online multiplayers basically just a variation of capture the flag? Can someone not think up something new? Oh yeah.....Hunted was kinda different and new but we all see how well that worked out.
We shall take a pause here for a brief word from our sponsors...
New News for the Newbies

Take it as You Will


President Obama is trying to put into effect a bill that would place, "A Gay in every town, city and borough across this great land." And some Gays are more than a little upset. The Bill, itself a result of President Obama getting rid of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy for the nations military, would result in the forceful relocation of some thirty percent of the Gay and Lesbian population across America as it tries to literally put "at least one gay man and one gay woman in every town across America." Also, in the more conservative Southern states, along with the gay and lesbian, there would be added a "Bi-sexual man or woman. Also a Tran-s sexual is to be put into three towns in Georgia." "This is ridiculous." Mark Bradford, a gay man living in Seattle said, "To think that this administration, an administration that I voted for, would actually think that we would be happy about this is, to say the least arrogant, and tells me that they are not fighting for our rights at all." But the Gay and Lesbian coalition thinks differently, and is even going out of its way to back the bill. Sam Silversmith, a member of the coalition had this to say,"We think that it's a great idea. Originally we were asking for a "Homo in every Home" which would have placed someone gay inside the more uneducated members of this countries home. We were even going to implement a forceful "Gaying" of the hate filled people." When asked what he meant by "Gaying", all Mr. Silversmith would say was, "Take it as you will."


Counting Sheep.... by Number


Every night the same infomercial taunts Cloris Hogan from Greenblack, Michigan and every night she goes to sleep angry. Because for Cloris Hogan, there is no mattress store in her town of two thousand, and she has no car to get to one. "I just want to know what my sleep number is." Cloris told us by phone Thursday night, "I watch those commercials staring that old lady from that old t.v. show. All those couples know their numbers. Hell, even that guys dog has a number. Why can't I know mine?" Sadly, there are no plans as of this posting for a mattress store in Michigan.


It's a Magical Place


For Mike Ferrel, his personal search for God has been a journey filled with many emotional ups and downs. For years he has been on a spiritual mission to become closer to the lord, searching throughout the nations many churches, synagogues and christian based summer camps. Now Mike Ferrel has finally found his Lord and Savior, and he lives at 1354 Beechnut Avenue in Orlando, Florida, apartment 1264. "I'll be honest with you," Mike told me by phone last Monday night, "I'm a little let down. I mean, for like, twenty some odd years I've been looking for God and this is where I find him? In some god forsaken ghetto apartments in fucking Orlando?! Jesus Christ man! He works at Disney World for Christs sake!" God, who could not be reached for comment, is now working at Disney World in the Magic Kingdom running the "It's a Small World" ride as lead maintenance and creator of the known universe. We did talk to his supervisor, Park manager Tammie Darson, "Oh yes, God is a wonderful worker, always on time and very clean in appearance. The only complaint we have ever had on him is that he does seem to think he's always right about how the ride animatronics should look, telling us how he should know on account that he's God and all but otherwise he's a wonderful person. I do wish he would shave that beard though." No word on where his son Jesus is.


Lead..... No just for Weight


Wal-mart China, which is the worlds largest importer of American made products, has recalled hundreds of toys that were sold on its shelves, claiming they were unsafe for children to play with on account that they were not painted with lead paint. Jenny Chang, who is a manager at the Beijing Walmart, talked to us by phone, "We call back many toys American make. They unsafe. Children in danger. Many die! Lead good for paint. Americans so stupid. So, so stupid." As of this writing, there is no word on what will be done in order to continuing exporting American made products on account most Americans did not know we still made things. On a lighter note, Jenny Chang told us that they do in fact call the cashiers at the Beijing Wal-mart "Chinese Checkers".
Kitten's Community Service Part Deux

Welcome back.

What is it about the internet that makes people lie? Why do people feel safe and secure behind their computer screen, giving them the freedom they need to say whatever it is that they want? When did arrogance and immaturity take precedence over peoples feelings and basic common courtesy? Also, going hand in hand with shadow personalities online, we have shadow imagery that people choose to adopt about themselves. Are some people so embarrassed about their current situation that they feel the need to lie about themselves so that they may impress someone that they will never meet in real life? The irony being of course that the person being lied to is probably doing the exact same amount of personal image enhancements when describing themselves to others online.

Why are people so ashamed of the life that they lead? This kind of thinking online has made a disturbing untrust form throughout the world, one that makes us all take the things we hear and see with a grain of salt. No one believes anyone else anymore. No one cares if they hurt others with their words anymore, do you know how fucking sad this is about our society?

Its like the old nursery rhyme...
Sticks and stones
Will break my bones
But words will hurt
Forever

On that note, I think I should apologize for this post. Ive had a rough day and have an even rougher week ahead and its all starting to weigh on me.... Sorry for venting a little, I realize this isn't the place for that.

Come back next time when Community service talks with F...................never mind, just come back.

The 1 paragraph story
Late September. The sun just gone, the blue sky fading. To early for a street lamp, to soon for the stars. As the girl walked she carried midnight. It made up her long hair, her dress, the boots she wore. It filled and surrounded her eyes. Her skin was moonlight and as she walked she moved in her own darkness. It engulfed her in shadows and took away all trace of light. She was alone, not just on the street, but in herself as well. Slowly though, ever so slowly, she began to feel more alive. As the night began to show, so did she. She knew that as she walked she shed her daily sin. The people who she passed on the street, the ones lost in the emptiness of their own lives, they knew nothing of what she was and yet, they continued to stare. She could smell their fear, almost taste it, and it always made her smile. The common misconception had been that she was not real, that she was only a myth. Ignorance truly was bliss, and if this thought helped them all sleep better at night then all the best to them. Of course it didn't matter what they thought, she was still going to feed, and tonight she was more hungry than ever
More News.... for News People

Got the Bitch


One of the FBI's most wanted criminals, Carmen Isabella Sandiego has finally been caught after nearly twenty four years of being on the run. Through a joint effort between the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the ACME Detective Agency, the international jewel and ancient artifact thief was captured at LAX airport this morning while en route to find a buyer for her latest heist, a rare Grecian Vase from the 12th century. "For years every agent on the team was asking Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Well, today we know, she's in jail." Acme Detective Sandy Dennis, who was in charge of the investigation for the past ten years, told reporters outside of the airport terminal where the arrest was made, "It has been a rough chase for some of our agents, with some being fooled into thinking they had cornered Mrs. Sandiego on more than one occasion, but always left holding an empty hat as she got away laughing. Thanks to a tip by one of her ex-cohorts,Baron Grinnit, we were finally able to track her to a series of artifacts stolen within the last week at various locations across L.A. All I can tell you now is that she will be moved to an undisclosed location awaiting trial." More as events unfold.


Wait.... They got TV's in Iowa


A rare case of Jungle Fever struck a small mid-western town, leaving two dead and four others seriously injured. Reports are sketchy but according to the Krimsaw Gazette, in Krimsaw, Iowa, the outbreak has been contained and there is no cause for alarm. For those that do not know,the Jungle Fever virus stems from the 1991 Spike Lee film of the same name. So far Spike Lee's films have been responsible for the emergence of two other viruses, The Summer of Samonellia and the Girl 6 e coli. It is warned to only view his films once, anymore and you run the risk of infection. Police are still investigating the cause of the outbreak and have yet to release the names of the victims.


Cute is Dangerous


Kingston Falls Police are saying that the cause of the fire that destroyed the Landmark Theater was not the result of faulty wiring like previously thought, they are now telling us that it was caused by Gremlins. A Mogwai was found after police received an anonymous tip saying that Billy Peltzer had the furry creature living in his bedroom. After an initial search of the house, police found the Mogwai hiding in one of the air vents, after which Billy was arrested and charged with the trafficking of an endangered species. Tests from the creature showed that it had gotten wet recently, making it pop many more variations of itself. Secondly, police found numerous cocoons hidden in the basement of the house, meaning that the second rule of the Mogwai was broken and the creatures had in fact been fed after midnight, which is illegal in the state of Michigan and can fetch up to seven years in prison if convicted. Police are warning residences of Kingston Falls to stay indoors after dark until the remaining Gremlins are found. If spotted, they ask that you call police immediately and do not confront the creatures on account that they are highly intelligent and very mischievous, as the theater fire has shown them to be. Also, if you do see one do not get them wet, it will only make more of them. Your best defense if attacked is any kind of bright light, UV light works best, they hate bright lights.


Should of Seen It Coming


Buffalo, New York A fire broke out at the Holiday Inn Hotel and Convention Center Saturday afternoon during the Psychic Connections Weekend Festival that was taking place in the filled to capacity Hotel. The investigation into what caused the fire is underway but sources tell us it may have been a result of some faulty wiring in the main hall of the almost forty-year old hotel. With fourteen confirmed dead and countless others hospitalized due to the panic that ensued after smoke was seen by convention goers seated for the "Connections with dead loved ones" seminar, it was a weekend that at least one psychic should have seen coming. The sold out crowed of enthusiastic psychic believers, many in retirement age, immediately started rushing towards the direction they believed an exit might be when the call for evacuation was announced. It was at this moment that at least three people were trampled to death under the wave of confused Americas Next Best Medium contestants who were coming through the stage door at that moment for the prize giveaway. The other 11 killed were a result of miscommunication between special guest speaker Abby Winters and some of her more devoted followers. You may remember Mrs. Winters as the basis for the highly successful CBS series 'Speaking with Spirits. She is also the author of more than 30 paranormal connection books, all of which revolve around her abilities as a Psychic who would help police investigate unsolved murders around the nation. Sadly, Mrs Winters died while heroically leading her supporters to what she thought was safety but ended up being a dead-end in an under construction part of the hotel. They all died of smoke asphyxiation. Many people involved are questioning how this could happen in a hotel filled with supposed psychics, leading non believers to say that it supports their theory that there is no such thing as being able to see the future or having a conversation with a long past family member. Others though are saying the reason none knew of the fire before it started is only because the real psychics, those that would have seen it beforehand, stayed home because they were psychic and therefore had no intention of dying


Future in the Pin?


Dr Emmet Brown arrived home yesterday from the year 1955, after disappearing in a futuristic looking 1985 Delorean of the past. The happiness friends and family felt seeing the long thought dead Dr. Brown was short-lived when, approximately ten minutes after his arrival, police stormed in with a warrant and arrested him for the suspected murder of Marty Mcfly, whose disappearance in the late 80's has long been subject of debate for supporters of the scientist. Did Dr. Brown kill Marty Mcfly? That was the question many were asking after the two were last seen talking late one night around the town clock tower. Some said that Dr Brown was an eccentric scientist with a taste for young boy assistants, others said that it was not Doc Brown at all and police should look toward Marty's mother for answers in his disappearance. In 1955 Lorraine Mcfly(her last name was Baines then) had a torrid affair with someone named Calvin Klein(no relation to the fashion guru) at around the time of her high schools prom. Friends of Lorraine often told her how much her son Marty looked like Calvin and would joke about who the actual father was. But how much of what they were saying was based in truth? That's what police have been asking since the disappearance in the 80's but never getting any conclusive evidence to fully convict. With Dr Browns sudden reappearance though many are hopeful to finally get answers to questions long thought dead. More as it develops
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