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Kittens Community Service 3000
Kittens Community Service 3000
"Looking back on it now, I guess I should of gone back to those rooms. I mean, I wrote BRB every time I left, no wonder people were so pissed."
RyanJ, 24 years into the future.
Community Service 3000
Hello and welcome to a very special edition of the Service. This week we are coming at you from the FUTURE, a place where jetpacks are the norm and everyone has free internet(sorry suckas, there ain't no lag in the future). Its a magical time filled with magical things and I really wish you were here with me to see them all but since time travel hasn't been invented yet and wont be for another 16 years, you'll just have to read about it all in this edition of the Service, so set phasers to stun and sit back and enjoy the warp drive as you journey into the years of the FUTURE....
(disclaimer) Seeing as this is written from me(kitten) way ahead in the future, the me(kitten) from the now(your time) can not in any way know about this edition of the Community Service. If she were to read it then it would cause a time paradox and destroy the future, the past and surprisingly, leave the now virtually unharmed. Scientists do not now yet why this is as time travel is still kinda new to us in the future(but it's freaking awesome) but just trust me when I tell you that she can not know about this Service or everyone will die(just not you reading this right now, like I said "virtually unharmed", but the second you start to go into the future it's curtains for you, dead, no more. Got it? Good.) Also, if you do see her, could you please tell her to not go home with that guy from the bar she meets three weeks from now? Unless of course she wants to start taking Valtrex, then by all means go home with the guy. Look....just please tell her. thanks. But tell her nothing of this Service or you will be doomed. k? Thx
The elusive and rare Snuffilufigus has finally been captured in a New York alleyway. It seemed as though the mammoth like creature would never be caught, a thought that left the city of New York living in fear. Maria Rodriguez, who is co-owner of the Fix it Shop on the street where they captured the creature, talked to us by phone, "I always liked to humor the kids that came into my shop and tell them that Snuffy wasn't real, but I knew the truth. We were all scared of it, everyone who lived around here. We wouldn't go out at night out of fear of being trampled. I can't even tell you how many complaints to the police were made just because of the amount of poop it left around. Piles and piles of it, steaming up the place. The fact is, this street is no place for a freaky looking hairy elephant.....Shit, while you're at it, get rid of that stupid ass yellow bird! That thing is always asking me about numbers and letters. That shit gets annoying after awhile! Plus, I think that bird is from the devil......it never ages. It's freaky." The mammoth will be transferred to San Diego to be studied so as to try and figure out where it came from.
Alicia Richards imaginary tea party ended with violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously attacked her and her mother while the two were sitting in her room. According to the girl's father, Alicia and her mother had just sat down to enjoy some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she walked past her window Grumpy Bear unexpectedly jumped from the girls clothes hamper and attacked. So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it's leaving some to question if they can trust the Care Bears alone with their children. Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo told us what he thinks, "The bottom line is this, they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing." Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the Kingdom and probably won't be back anytime soon. No word as to the status of the mother.
[color=black]We've all heard the old saying, "If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them one day will eventually produce a masterpiece. Well, the wait is finally over. Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece. The monkey's book, titled "Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey", is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop's life. The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when a couple of poachers kidnap him and take him to a monkey camp far from his home. The night of Bash Bash's arrival, animal activists break in to the camp and take many of the creatures back to the states so as to live in an animal sanctuary. Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to feel and be loved. The book takes place during the month's following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after. In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that "Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I'm sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars." The book is to be released sometime in December, just in time for Christmas.
Fred Jones of the Mystery Inc. Investigations team, announced earlier today that his friend, team member and all around good dog, Scooby Doo was killed after being hit by the teams own Mystery Machine van. Reports coming in are sketchy but according to police reports, after finishing a case the group is calling the "Son of the Black Knights Ghost" up at old man MacReedys place, team member Shaggy Rogers had finished loading up the van and was to bring it around front. Witnesses to the accident reported seeing Shaggy as distant and glassy eyed and, despite the cries of Velma Dinkley that Scooby was still behind the van, threw it in reverse and consequently ran over the Great Dane. Shaggy, who was later charged with procession of a controlled substance, refused to talk with us but lawyers for Mystery Inc. released a statement saying that "Shaggy feels deeply saddened by the loss of his best bud and is checking himself into the Promises rehab located in Malibu, for extreme exhaustion." The news of Scooby Doos death leaves a question as to the future of Mystery Inc. considering the dog was the face of the popular private eye firm. Some are suggesting that Scoobys cousins Scooby Dum or Yabba Doo come in as possible replacements, but most are in agreement that it should not be Scrappy Doo, who has already contacted the firm.
Scientists are baffled today after news came that a Black hole had unexpectedly formed inside of a Freeman, Vermont residents anal cavity. Steve Hobbs had apparently been complaining of a strange and painful sensation coming from his anus for about a week. After hearing no explanation from area doctors, Steve decided that it was probably just in his head and that the pain would go away in due time. The next day while on his morning walk, the neighbors Dachshund became the first victim of Steve's Anal Black Hole. Mrs. Henrietta Rutherford, Steve's neighbor, witnessed the events, "I had just put Ding Ding outside. that's my dogs name, Ding Ding, when I saw Steve coming up the sidewalk on his daily walk. I started to wave when all of the sudden Ding Ding starts to bark at him, which is odd because she never barks at him. Then Steve just keels over into my lawn, clutching his stomach and screaming out. That's when it happened, (starts to cry) Ding Ding runs up to him and gets right next to his buttocks, all of the sudden she lets out a yelp of terror and starts to lift off the ground. I tried to run over to her but it was to late, Ding Ding was gone. The last I saw of her was that horrible look of confusion she made as she got sucked up into his ass. It was the saddest look I ever saw." Scientists are warning residents of Vermont to evacuate until they better understand the situation. No explanation has been given as to how this could have happened but they are working hard to try and contain and control Steve Hobbs Anal Black Hole. More as the events unfold.
Miss Piggy of Muppet's fame, was charged with disturbing the peace and assault with a deadly weapon after her husband called 911 claiming that he had been kicked repeatedly and thrown into a ceiling fan. Her husband, Kermit the Frog, claims that Miss Piggy had been drinking and fighting with him throughout the night. He claims that the argument stemmed from a run in she had earlier that day with Gonzo the Great while she was shopping in Beverly Hills. "Her and Gonzo have never seen eye to eye, and her anger just carried over into the night." Kermit told us by phone, "I just happened to be in her path when she let loose, which I knew was going to happen one day, it was just a matter of when..... She's always had anger issues." After being booked into Malibu county, she was released on $20,000 bail., with court scheduled sometime in November.
Jim Keen of the Villages, Florida was out enjoying a round of golf at the Villa Lake Retirement course where he lives when he was unexpectedly attacked by Aliens. Jack Reeds, who is Jim's friend of twenty two years, was there at the time of the attack, he was kind enough to talk to us and tell us exactly what happened, "We were just about to reach the eighth hole when it happened. I was walking over to my clubs and Jim was washing his balls, he always washed his balls before each tee off, when suddenly there was a humming sound coming from all around us. The hum seemed to grow louder and louder till it was right on top of us, I swear I almost had a heart attack,I thought I was back in Korea it was so spooky. Well, Jim starts looking around and all of a sudden the sky grows dark and there is this huge space ship just hovering right above us blocking out the sun. It was huge, I mean I couldn't even see the sky that's how big." "Jim starts screaming out how he was right, that the Aliens were real and he didn't just imagine them. Then he tells me that they've been visiting him for about a week but he thought he was just dreaming and didn't tell anybody so he wouldn't sound crazy. I tell ya brother, I felt like I was crazy. Seeing that ship just sitting there made me think I had lost it(laughs). Anyways, all of a sudden, these two small grey creature like things just materialize right in front of us and start walking over to Jim. I was scared and proud all at once. Scared because I was looking at little grey bug eyed creatures and proud cause this was going to change the world and my best friend was the ambassador to Earth. Well, they get maybe a foot away from Jim, say some alien speak to each other and then just slap him, hard as they can. Jim cries out and they just start wailing on the poor bastard even more, I mean they were enjoying it and his crying just seemed to make them slap harder. This goes on for a few more seconds and then they just disappeared, voom, gone. It was the weirdest thing I ever saw. After that I just couldn't play no more golf so I picked up Jim and took him to the hospital. His pride was pretty well shot for the rest of the day." Mr. Keen was treated for a mild concussion and fractured wrist. Police are said to be investigating.
Fans of Elvis Presley were both excited and saddened today as news of The King, who was thought to have died in 1977, had been found alive inside a Louisville, Kentucky mall. But the news of Elvis's apparent resurrection was short lived when approximately fifteen minutes later he was pronounced dead after suffering a stroke while shopping. The mystery behind the death of Elvis has long been a topic of much debate, but had mostly died out in the recent years on account that most thought it was a stupid topic. Jerry Cantro, who runs the website www.Elvisiseverywhere.org, a website devoted to Elvis sightings and Elvis memorabilia, had this to say, "I told you Elvis was alive. None of you believed me when I said I saw Elvis back in 1983. He was at the Grand Rapids, Michigan movie theater walking into the Jaws 3-D screening. I told you so. You all just laughed, only Weekly world News believed me.........screw you people." The couple that spotted him in the mall, Jonathan and Judy Hogan from Clearwaters, Florida, would not talk to us directly but released a statement to the press saying that they are very saddened by the sudden loss of an American icon and when they spotted him buying a Cushioned Sleep Mask in the mall Brookstone store, he looked well and not in any way unhealthy. He will be missed again
(disclaimer from the future police, other wise known as the Timecops) We have arrested the future Kitten for crimes against time, she should not have posted this and put all your lives in jeopardy, shes a real bitch for that. So move along now, nothing to see here, shows over people. Come back next time for a new past related Community Service, but dont tell her she gets arrested.
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