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Kittens Community Service(Unrated Edition)
Kittens Community Service(Unrated Edition)
This edition of the service was deemed "too sexy for mass consumption" by the MPAA. This will not be your regularly scheduled Service but instead it will be a stand alone blooper and outtake edition with the added bonus of six additional minutes that are simply TOO HOT FOR T.V.! Besides the bloopers, outtakes and nudity that is in this Service, we have included the articles that simply were not good enough for the main stream Service, these are the ones that, while good, just didn't have that special something to make it to page one. Parents are warned to take their kids somewhere else, kids are warned to try everything they can to somehow get back and watch and you the viewer are just warned that tomorrow is gonna be a hot one.....but not as HOT as this weeks service....you've been warned.
As you already know, the upper management of TwistedClans.com(TCCOM), formerly known as TwistedClans.TK(TCTK), decided that we all needed one more thing to argue about in the activity feed. What they finally came up with is a sort of Hall of Fame(HoFF) for all things Twisted but decided by us, the viewers.
According to the rules for the HoFF, and I'm paraphrasing here, there will be a vote for twenty people we think most influential to the game, then we wait a couple of weeks, then I think we are to do another vote, then we wait a few more weeks, followed by a third vote, which is followed by a blessing from an Indian FireChief, followed by reruns of Charles in Charge, followed by an announcement and then, sometime next year, we shall receive the results.
What I find especially humorous about the whole thing is how everyone has basically said "fuck it" and posted their votes up in the activity feed. I don't know how this will all be playing out but it's very entertaining to watch nonetheless.
I don't know about you but I have been hating BlackRock Stadium as of late. It's odd because I used to really like it. Don't get me wrong, I've never liked Killo(?)seum on account that there isn't enough weapons, but Blackrock was ok in my book. Not anymore though. I can't stand going up those walls and not being able to see the person right below or in front of me, it drives me insane.
I've found though that I've flipped as far as likes and dislikes in this game goes. I used to hate Grindhouse, love it now. Used to hate Deadmans, now its one of my faves. I hated Skyline, now it seems as no one ever plays there(notice I didn't say I loved it). The only maps that have stayed the same for me as far as not liking goes is Old School and the Killing Fields, I hated them 6 months ago and I hate them now.
More in a miiinute(blooper)
Minneapolis, Mn: For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon was more than just a children's card game, it was a highly sophisticated, multinational government coverup involving various nations, some of who are not only no longer on our friends list, but have been blocked completely from even contacting us. "Oh yes," Henry told us by phone, "some of the nations that were involved were most definitely enemies of America. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over three hundred Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that this whole war thing that we got happening is actually nothing more than a ruse(he takes a dramatic pause) a ruse to capture and kill any remaining Pokemon that were living within the mountains. Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami, but you would never hear that from the actual news." As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry hands me a card with a picture of a creature called Steelix and runs back to his bedroom, nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, and tells me it's the same one in the card I was shown. I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast.......I mean I was fucking gone! I mighta shit my pants even, I don't know yet....(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!"
Scientists announced today the possibility of a Super Volcano forming within the nation of Bolivia, causing production of its number one import, cocaine, to stall for a few moments as those working inside the factories listened to the news. Javier Gonzalez, cocaine plant manager and factory foreman of twenty years, spoke to us by phone to quell rumors about the incident, "At approximately 2:15 p.m. west Bolivia time, for about ten minutes, the Santiago Cocaine Distribution corp. halted production so as to listen to the news of the upcoming super volcano. When no immediate threat was announced, production commenced and all workers went back to their jobs. I am here to tell you that there will be no upcoming cocaine shortage nor any loss of funds for our current investors." Despite this announcement, cocaine stock fell twenty-two points before the end of the market day
Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween Three holidays that, when placed in the proper order of arrival, bring to mind costumes, colors and of course, Christ(or, if you're not into him then the C can stand for Christmas Story,they play it for 24 hours on TBS,they know funny). It also is a time for flashy decorations, gaudy costumes and whispering words of discomfort between estranged family members. It really is a magical time, but when exactly is it time for you to accept, and finally let your decorations come out of the closet? We at twistedclans are here to help, while we may not exactly "hang our stockings with care" or "do the monster mash" like some of our Gay or Lesbian readers do, we at least know a good "Blackberry Cobbler with Cool Whip" when we see one so we put together this handy reference guide simply because we care. Are you noticing how chilly it's getting outside? That my friends is what some like to call Ol Man Winter (or Jack Frost to our Asian friends) and while it may still be Fall, it means it's starting to feel like Winter so get those clothes out because it's cold out! So what's the point? I'll explain. Everyone likes winter clothes the best, only because they are the best. Anybody can look good in winter clothes, I don't care if you're Lindsey Lohan, you can still look good. The point being, if you start to see people in these type of clothes then you know it's time to maybe put out some decorations, possibly. Next, what month is it? Here's a test, get up right now(seriously, stand up) walk to a calender that you currently have somewhere within your home(or apartment, for all you single people out there), now, take a glance. Question, what month does it say? There you go. Finally, are you sad about something but have no idea what it is? That is what therapists love to call "repressed memories" or, in layman terms, nostalgia. It's a pretty good chance that if those memories are bubbling up as you get closer to some sort of family function that you don't really want to go to, chances are it's time to string those lights and show the neighborhood your "electric reindeer"(it's an 80's dance and a penis reference). Happy Holidays.
[color=black]The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of this year the world's population will pass the 8 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their more wealthy counterparts(8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families). Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.
[color=black]On September 15th, 1947, Roberto Duprie and Scott Talson, ages 15 and 17, walked to the Douglas Drugstore together to get some soda. Earlier in the day Scott had seen the pressure Roberto's parents put on him to be the best and most accomplished kid in the whole city, buying him whatever he needed to succeed but never being what he really needed, which was a parent. All Scott saw though was that Roberto came from a wealthy lifestyle and got cool things because of it. Right before the walk to the Drugstore, Roberto witnessed Scotts parents drink a few beers, even asking if he wanted one, cuss about the Yankees and not care at all about what Scott and his friend were doing. What Roberto didn't notice though was how much Scott yearned for some positive parental attention and when he failed to receive it, he chose to act out negatively in hope that they would notice him, a tactic that rarely was acknowledged. Roberto may not have seen his friends anguish but he sure saw how cool Scott had it because his parents were so cool. Both started talking about the others parents and how they each wished they could live in the others shoes, and both truly meant what they said at the time. Somewhere along the way Scott bent down to tie his shoe and noticed a nickel on the ground, Roberto noticed it as well and both bent over to grab it while still talking about the lives they wished they had. At the exact moment they each touched the nickel they each made the statement, "I wish I could just live your life" and bumped heads violently, knocking the two unconscious. What happened next would be the first recorded case of Shlesinger-Switch Syndrome, a rare and fatal medical oddity that finds its victims, upon waking the next day after contracting the disease, to be living within the body of the person that gave it to them. Eventually, usually within five to seven days after switching bodies, the patients consciousness simply fades away when the brain goes into overdrive after one persons thoughts are overlapped with already existing neural pathways of another causing the overworked brain to short itself out in its final moments. If all of this sounds eerily familiar to you don't be surprised, it may be a death sentence for the ones that have it but it sure has been a cash cow for all of Hollywood. At least 10 sugar-coated tales of the sickness have been filmed throughout the past few decades, starting with the family friendly Disney release,Freaky Friday and ending more recently with the Ryan Reynolds R rated comedy The Change Up.
Another note from me, the cat who cares.....Okay, I realized early on that this piece was going to go on a little bit too long, leaving you(the reader) more than a little bit uncomfortable by the fact that even though it is a beautifully written piece of hard-edged reporting, uncovering the deep conspiracy of the film Freaky Friday and Walt Disney, whose involvement with getting the disease wiped away from the medical journals and looked upon as a joke is one of the darkest days in the House of Mouse the sad fact remains.....you fucking love that muther-fuckin film.I agree, it is a joyous piece of cinema, but it should be noted that it is a film bathed in blood. The body count behind the making of the film is at least 14 dead, second only in number to the 1986 Fred Savage family comedy Vise Versa, which found the adorable child-like star(he was really 36 at the time of filming) switching bodies with over worked halfwit Judge Reinhold. That films death toll comes in at a spine tingling 22, most of which were children!! Respectively the Kirk Cameron body switch sci-fi thriller,Like Father like Son, only had 4 deaths during its three-month shoot and those were due to a Komodo dragon that had got loose during a filming of the show Jack Hanna's Wild Kingdom. You see that? I did it again, I started to write what I knew to be true, which was that I know when my posts begin to ramble on and that it's never a good thing when they do but somehow the explanation went on to be doing the exact same thing that I was trying to stop. I don't know if its comic genius or breast cancer within the words of today's post but what I can tell you in complete honesty is that Koalas are not bears. Did you notice how long some of the sentences I wrote were in the above post? Seriously, some of them were impossibly long, epic long in fact, like a Kubrick film. Critics adore him and all your friends say how masterful his films are but when you sit to watch one you always wake up 6 hours later with drool on the pillow and a question in your head as to why you can't make it through ten fucking minutes of any one film that the genius made. (I am including Full Metal Jacket and the Shining in this list. Full Metal is ruined by model turned actor Matt Modine and the Shining is nothing but long drawn out shots of hallways. Plus he changed the ending from the book which made no sense, why get the guy to come all the way up to the hotel after getting his shiny feel connection from the creepy kid only to have him get axed five minutes after arriving? He saved the mom and kids ass in the book, why change it? But the giant maze was cooler than the garden animals in the book so I will give Stan that point.....shit, I did it again.
[color=black]A few little known facts about Albert Einstein As we all know, next week is the seventy-fifth anniversary of when Albert Einstein broke the land speed record while vacationing in Calcutta, India. To mark the occasion I thought it would be nice to present to you a few little known facts about this great and mysterious man. 1. His first love was always his love of Dance. He dreamed of one day opening his own studio but fell into Physics after his friend and roommate pressured him to get a job so that they could pay the rent. (on a sidenote, his then roommate went on to be one of the co-founders of the popular 70's disco, Studio 54) 2. He created the popular drink Sex on the Beach while bar-tending one summer at a nightclub in Lake Havasu, Az. 3. He often liked to sleep in the nude. 4. He nicknamed his penis, Megamind. 5. He wrote three of the songs for the popular stage musical Grease. 6. He is still the current world record holder for the worlds biggest bubble gum bubble. 7. He wrote a romance novel at the age of 24 under the alias Todd Suess. The book, "The Storm down Below", was reviewed by the New York Times. Here's what the review had to say, "Trash is to nice a word for this book. Never before have there been so many nicknames for a mans penis then there have in this book, yet the actual word penis is never uttered once in the books almost 500 plus pages. It really is the strangest eroticism ever penned to paper." The book spent almost 6 weeks at number one in the Times bestseller list.
Washington D.C., President Obama spoke last Tuesday during a press conference about how chillingly close we really came to losing the Earth realm during the 2001 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all. For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual Mortal Kombat competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters. It's a millennial old competition where the final outcome decides the losing worlds fate, but the invading universe must win ten straight competitions before taking over so usually there's nothing to worry about. In 2001, we had lost nine straight. In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and best fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown. After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger. Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him today. The tournament, which was to take place over three days in Outworld, got off to a rocky start after Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list after she broke her ankle while getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport. A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when blood test results showed positive for both cocaine and steroids, the future of Earthrealm was bleak at best. Then the most amazing thing happened, an event that will surly rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history, Liu Kang beat them all. He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for, betting cicles around the world placed him last. It was probably this status that helped him win. The night of the final fight, it's been reported, that Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome and had started drinking heavily before the fight. At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began, three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious after a flying bicycle kick knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, after which an amazing finishing move made Goros head explode and arms rip off. Our world was saved. President Obama honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37.
For ex-professional champion Power-lifter and three-time Olympic gold medal winner(weightlifting) Jim White, retirement was not an excuse to finally let himself go and get flabby, it was an opening for him to try to give back to the community he loves. His idea was simple enough, open a weight lifting gym and rec center for kids to go after school and leave it completely free for them to use with most of the funding coming straight from Jim's pocket. He never imagined the community that he loves would turn on him, but that's exactly what they did. The White Power Gym and Community Center opened in August 2011, by the end of September, after numerous complaints and a brief but tense stand-off with the Black Panthers, it closed for good. Mr White talked with us about what exactly went wrong, "Oh that's easy, it was the name. I never should have named it The White Power Gym, it sent a message that I wasn't trying to send. I quickly realized my mistake when all these skin head kids started showing up. I let them come back because I was trying to help them see the error of their ways, not encourage them like the Panthers said I was doing. When Jesse Jackson showed up, I wasn't being belligerent and I most certainly didn't mean to punch him, that whole day just got way out of hand. I have no clue who called him that, it wasn't me, and I really don't know why the cleaners decided to deliver the starched white sheets by hand when I usually pick them up, just bad luck I guess. Who started that fire? That's what I want to know, who the fuck started it? And if it wasn't the Panthers then it must have been those strippers. I knew they were shady from the get go, especially the one with the fake leg, you could see the hate in her eyes. I'll be honest with you though, I didn't see that alligator coming, did you? That one came out of left field, didn't it? When it ate that kid I just knew my day had gone to shit. I really shouldn't have named the place what I did. Live and learn I guess. Live and learn. Were those beekeepers really racist beekeepers? Did you know there was an organization like that? I didn't. Those drag queens shouldn't have thrown that stuff on the cops like they did, who even brought those guys? Why were they there? That was fucked up. I didn't even think a horse could shit that much let alone hit a target like it did. That was pretty amazing, especially when that midget fell from that hot air balloon. I'll be honest with you, as messed up as the day went, I wouldn't trade it for anything." There are no plans to reopen.
Scientists are shocked and amazed at the recent findings coming out of The University of Texas today that claim fire ants have learned how to design and build small medieval like catapults. The report, titled "Ants design catapults! How this happened and why we're Fucked!" claims that in at least four fire ant colonies that popped up around a recent Renaissance Fair, scientists observed tiny wooden catapults being constructed in a joint effort between the colonies. They were then used to defeat a colony of black ants that had set up a nest close to the only water source in the area. After the battle which lasted only a few minutes, scientists state that the fire ants seemed to almost have what can only be described as a celebration similar to how maybe the Romans would have celebrated, with a massive orgy in which the now slave black ants were beaten and raped. It was a sight that left one scientist feeling "sick and ashamed to have witnessed." Many scientists have come forth and expressed their concerns that this could ultimately cause trouble for the human race if the ants unify and decide to turn against us but no plans are motion as to stop the Texas ants, instead they will simply be studied and put on watch.
The words came alive last night..... Seriously. These words, or maybe words like them...they came alive....and... and they killed a man. Don't ask me how because I have no clue....I just know they did. My words. My words that I wrote somehow killed another human being. I mean, I guess it's somewhat feasible to believe. If everything is reality, like me, you, air or even a book.....if it's all reality......think solid mass, then it could...I guess..... be. Wait, my words in thought are still my own, but once spoken they become yours as well. See, because you heard them....they are now in you, apart of you. Now, take my words and write them. Now they become physical.....proof of their existence. We don't know everything in science, and most is just theory.... ink is ink and type is type, but they are there. When you see them, these words, they become their own entity.....alive....breathing, or some form of it. Maybe they don't need to breathe, like I said we don't know everything. But if they could somehow become alive, then they would want to stay that way.....and like you and I, would fight to keep living. Last night....my words killed a man
In the new memoir, "Only as big as you feel: Fighting monsters out of fear of finding myself ", Godzilla, the king of the monsters, talks of how his repeated toppling of Tokyo was his only way of fighting off his inner demons, one of which was an almost fifty year-long fight with alcoholism. The book, which is being released by Bantam Publishing, is a very frank and honest account of the fire-breathing lizards rise to fame and the hold that stardom took on him. In it Godzilla talks of how he was sexually abused by one of his fathers friends for most of his nonradioactive childhood days, and how, once gigantic, he had no idea how to cope with the sudden attention his size and strength brought to his life. Below is a brief excerpt from the book being released next Tuesday. "Who am I? That's the question that I so have yearned to find the answer to. Famous and infamous all at the same time due to my now city toppling size, I was being attacked, it seemed, from all sides. Everyone wanted a piece of me. Screaming fans, fleeing townsfolk, military tanks, televisions Perry Mason....they all asked of me, and they most certainly all took. I was alone yet surrounded by everyone. I do remember I was just an insecure punk lizard who said I knew it all, but really knew nothing. So I drank. I drank to forget, I drank to remember and most importantly, I drank to fight just one more day. Now though, A.A. has taught me not to drink not for tomorrow, but for today. One day at a time is the mantra, and because of it I am stronger than ever before. By the grace of God go I. Roar." Early word for the book has been promising. Talks are even underway for a film adaptation staring Tom Cruise as Godzilla, Reece Witherspoon as Mothra and Samuel L. Jackson as the Smog Monster
Come back next time for an all new Service, with better stuff than this one...promise.
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