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Fans of Elvis Presley were both excited and saddened today as news of The King, who was thought to have died in 1977,  had been found alive inside a Louisville, Kentucky mall. But the news of Elvis's apparent resurrection was short lived when approximately fifteen minutes later he was pronounced dead after suffering a stroke while shopping. The mystery behind the death of Elvis has long been a topic of much debate, but had mostly died out in the recent years on account that most thought it was a stupid topic. Jerry Cantro, who runs the website www.Elvisiseverywhere.org, a website devoted to Elvis sightings and Elvis memorabilia, had this to say, "I told you Elvis was alive. None of you believed me when I said I saw Elvis back in 1983. He was at the Grand Rapids, Michigan movie theater walking into the Jaws 3-D screening. I told you so. You all just laughed, only Weekly world News believed me.........screw you people." The couple that spotted him in the mall, Jonathan and Judy Hogan from Clearwaters, Florida, would not talk to us directly but released a statement to the press saying that they are very saddened by the sudden loss of an American icon and when they spotted him buying a Cushioned Sleep Mask in the mall Brookstone store, he looked well and not in any way unhealthy. He will be missed again

Following the late night raid of the Orchid Sunrise massage parlor,  Fred Hamilton of Nantucket, North Dakota,  was arrested and charged with two counts of indecent exposure and one charge of resisting arrest. Hamilton, you may remember, gained fame years ago when a limerick one of his friends wrote about him became popular in bars and pubs all over the world. As the popularity of  the song grew, Fred, who was a freshman at the local university, found himself propelled into a world of fame. A world that was almost too much for young Fred to handle. We recently unearthed a rare 1981 interview that Fred did with Rolling Stone magazine during the height of his popularity. In it he talks of  how the limerick has affected his life and what has changed for him in terms of career goals and family reactions . Below are portions of that interview.Rolling stone- So I've got to ask....can you really suck it? Hamilton- (laughs) Well, we certainly don't pull any punches do we? To answer your question, yes. I can in fact, suck it. Would you like to see? R.S.- No, no. That's quite all right, maybe later. H-Very well. R.S.- Your friend Robert Wilson wrote this limerick about you because, as he puts it, it was the most extraordinary and sickening  thing he had ever seen. Is there a story behind that. H- I don't know about a story, but one Saturday night at the dorm where I was in school, a bunch of us were drinking and showing off different talents we had. You know, like I can do a back flip or you can tie a cherry stem in your mouth, basic kid stuff just to impress. Well everyone gets done showing off and I hadn't said anything the whole time. Robert looks over at me and asks me if I had anything to add. I looked up at everyone in the room and said, "Yeah. I can suck my own dick." R.S.- (laughing) Really? You were that blunt? H- Pretty much. The room was silent for a few moments, but then everyone had to see me do it. So I did it. The rest is history. R.S.- Now your tale is told in every bar around the world. H- Yeah, it's funny isn't it. I mean, I'm just a kid from Nantucket. No one ever thought I would be famous, but here I am talking to Rolling Stone magazine and dating Sally Field. Go figure. R.S.- Yes, let's talk about your relationships. H- Here we go.(rolls his eyes) R.S.- You are dating Sally Field, but your previous relationship with Kathleen Turner was rocky at best. H- She's a bitch, yes. R.S.- She called you a violent, coke induced little man, saying you hit her on more than one occasion and that, as of late, your rampant drug use has left you limp and insecure. Are any of these allegations true? H- Look, I was a different man back then. I had no idea what I was doing and probably made some bad choices, I'm human. There was only one time when I did get out of control, but I never hit her, I just shook her real hard and her head was banging against the wall. She could have stopped it from banging, but she didn't. Who's fault is that? R.S.- Well...... H- Her fault, that's who. Now, as for the limp dick thing,that's just a flat out lie. But according to sources, Hamilton would be haunted by drug use for years to come. Eventually he fell out of the limelight when, desperate for money, Hamilton signed on to star in a series of adult films showcasing his sole talent, but on the first day of filming he could not perform. Years of drug use had left him with severe erectile dysfunction. In 1988 he moved back to the town that made him famous, Nantucket, where he has lived since. Even though he has pleaded not guilty to the charges, this arrest is just one more thing in a life of embarrassment for Fred Hamilton, the man from Nantucket.

Jim Keen of the Villages, Florida was out enjoying a round of golf at the Villa Lake Retirement course where he lives when he was unexpectedly attacked by Aliens. Jack Reeds, who is Jim's friend of twenty two years, was there at the time of the attack, he was kind enough to talk to us and tell us exactly what happened, "We were just about to reach the eighth hole when it happened. I was walking over to my clubs and Jim was washing his balls, he always washed his balls before each tee off, when suddenly there was a humming sound coming from all around us. The hum seemed to grow louder and louder till it was right on top of us, I swear I almost had a heart attack,I thought I was back in Korea it was so spooky. Well, Jim starts looking around and all of a sudden the sky grows dark and there is this huge space ship just hovering right above us blocking out the sun. It was huge, I mean I couldn't even see the sky that's how big." "Jim starts screaming out how he was right, that the Aliens were real and he didn't just imagine them. Then he tells me that they've been visiting him for about a week  but he thought he was just dreaming and didn't tell anybody so he wouldn't sound crazy. I tell ya brother, I felt like I was crazy. Seeing that ship just sitting there made me think I had lost it(laughs).  Anyways, all of a sudden, these two small grey creature like things just materialize right in front of us and start walking over to Jim. I was scared and proud all at once. Scared because I was looking at little grey bug eyed creatures and proud cause this was going to change the world and my best friend was the ambassador to Earth. Well, they get maybe a foot away from Jim, say some alien speak to each other and then just slap him, hard as they can. Jim cries out and they just start wailing on the poor bastard even more, I mean they were enjoying it and his crying just seemed to make them slap harder. This goes on for a few more seconds and then they just disappeared, voom, gone. It was the weirdest thing I ever saw. After that I just couldn't play no more golf so I picked up Jim and took him to the hospital. His pride was pretty well shot for the rest of the day." Mr. Keen was treated for a mild concussion and fractured wrist. Police are said to be investigating.

Miss Piggy of Muppet's fame, was charged with disturbing the peace and assault with a deadly weapon after her husband called 911 claiming that he had been kicked repeatedly and thrown into a ceiling fan. Her husband, Kermit the Frog, claims that Miss Piggy had been drinking and fighting with him throughout the night. He claims that the argument stemmed from a run in she had earlier that day with Gonzo the Great while she was shopping in Beverly Hills. "Her and Gonzo have never seen eye to eye, and her anger just carried over into the night." Kermit told us by phone,  "I just happened to be in her path when she let loose, which I knew was going to happen one day, it was just a matter of when..... She's always had anger issues." After being booked into Malibu county, she was released on $20,000 bail., with court scheduled sometime in November.

Scientists are baffled today after news came that a Black hole had unexpectedly formed  inside of a Freeman, Vermont residents anal cavity. Steve Hobbs had apparently been complaining of a strange and painful sensation coming from his anus for about a week. After hearing no explanation from area doctors, Steve decided that it was probably just in his head and that the pain would go away in due time. The next day while on his morning walk, the neighbors Dachshund became the first victim of Steve's Anal Black Hole. Mrs. Henrietta Rutherford, Steve's neighbor, witnessed the events, "I had just put Ding Ding outside. that's my dogs name, Ding Ding, when I saw Steve coming up the sidewalk on his daily walk. I started to wave when all of the sudden Ding Ding starts to bark at him, which is odd because she never barks at him. Then Steve just keels over into my lawn, clutching his stomach and screaming out. That's when it happened, (starts to cry) Ding Ding runs up to him and gets right next to his buttocks, all of the sudden she lets out a yelp of terror and starts to lift off the ground. I tried to run over to her but it was to late, Ding Ding was gone. The last I saw of her was that horrible look of confusion she made as she got sucked up into his ass. It was the saddest look I ever saw." Scientists are warning residents of Vermont to evacuate until they better understand the situation. No explanation has been given as to how this could have happened but they are working hard to try and contain and control Steve Hobbs Anal Black Hole. More as the events unfold.

Fred Jones of the Mystery Inc. Investigations team, announced earlier today that his friend, team member and all around good dog, Scooby Doo was killed after being hit by the teams own Mystery Machine van. Reports coming in are sketchy but according to police reports, after finishing a case the group is calling the "Son of the Black Knights Ghost" up at old man MacReedys place, team member Shaggy Rogers had finished loading up the van and was to bring it around front. Witnesses to the accident reported seeing Shaggy as distant and glassy eyed and, despite the cries of Velma Dinkley that Scooby was still behind the van, threw it in reverse and consequently ran over the Great Dane. Shaggy, who was later charged with procession of a controlled substance, refused to talk with us but lawyers for Mystery Inc. released a statement saying that "Shaggy feels deeply saddened by the loss of his best bud and is checking himself into the Promises rehab located in Malibu, for extreme exhaustion." The news of Scooby Doos death leaves a question as to the future of Mystery Inc. considering the dog was the face of the popular private eye firm. Some are suggesting that Scoobys cousins Scooby Dum or Yabba Doo come in as possible replacements, but most are in agreement that it should not be Scrappy Doo, who has already contacted the firm.

We've all heard the old saying, "If you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, one of them one day will eventually produce a masterpiece. Well, the wait is finally over. Test monkey, #33679203P, otherwise known as Bop Bop, became the first monkey ever to write a literary masterpiece. The monkey's book, titled "Vines to Vineyards, one monkeys journey", is a semi-autobiographical tale of Bop Bop's life. The story revolves around the fictional character Bash Bash, who as a young monkey still living in the jungle, suddenly finds himself uprooted from his mothers grasp when a couple of poachers kidnap him and take him to a monkey camp far from his home. The night of Bash Bash's arrival, animal activists break in to the camp and take many of the creatures back to the states so as to live in an animal sanctuary. Once in America, Bash Bash slowly learns how to trust again, and what it means to feel and be loved. The book takes place during the month's following the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the fear that struck directly after. In his review of the book, Tim Bowen of the New York Times said that "Vines to Vineyards is one of those rare books that will stand the test of time. Like War and Peace, to Kill a Mockingbird and Curious George before it, this book will be here long after I am gone and I'm sure will be required reading in most schools across America. Somehow the author, in this case, a fifteen year old monkey named Bop Bop, has been able to do what no other has done before, write a book that truly speaks to every race, creed, culture and creature in a deeply profound way that will leave you with a sense of hope and awe for the future. Five stars." The book is to be released sometime in December, just in time for Christmas.

Alicia Richards imaginary tea party ended with violence Saturday after a Care Bear viciously attacked her and her mother while the two were sitting in her room. According to the girl's father, Alicia and her mother had just sat down to enjoy some Easy Bake Brownies and imaginary tea that the girl had made for the party. After putting a napkin into Mr. Lambs (her stuffed lamb) lap, the girl went around to pour her Nightlife Barbie a cup, as she walked past her window Grumpy Bear unexpectedly jumped from the girls clothes hamper and attacked. So far there is no explanation as to what provoked the bear from the Kingdom of Care-a-lot, but it's leaving some to question if they can trust the Care Bears alone with their children. Thomas Mackey, a zoologist at the San Diego Zoo told us what he thinks, "The bottom line is this, they are Care Bears, but they are still Bears and they should be treated as such. Would you welcome a Grizzly into your home and then let them sleep next to your son or daughter at night? Of course not. This is still a wild animal, you do not play with a wild animal like these kids are doing." Police are still looking for the bear but most believe he has gone back to the  Kingdom and probably won't be back anytime soon. No word as to the status of Alicimother

The elusive and rare Snuffilufigus has finally been captured in a New York alleyway. It seemed as though the mammoth like creature would never be caught, a thought that left the city of New York living in fear. Maria Rodriguez, who is co-owner of the Fix it Shop on the street where they captured the creature, talked to us by phone, "I always liked to humor the kids that came into my shop and tell them that Snuffy wasn't real, but I knew the truth. We were all scared of it, everyone who lived around here. We wouldn't go out at night out of fear of being trampled. I can't even tell you how many complaints to the police were made just because of the amount of poop it left around. Piles and piles of it, steaming up the place. The fact is, this street is no place for a freaky looking hairy elephant.....Shit, while you're at it, get rid of that stupid ass yellow bird! That thing is always asking me about numbers and letters. That shit gets annoying after awhile! Plus, I think that bird is from the devil......it never ages. It's freaky." The mammoth will be transferred to San Diego to be studied so as to try and figure out where it came from.

Scientists are shocked and amazed at the recent findings coming out of The University of Texas today that claim fire ants have learned how to design and build small medieval like catapults. The report, titled "Ants design catapults! How this happened and why we're Fucked!" claims that in at least four fire ant colonies that popped up around a recent Renaissance Fair, scientists observed tiny wooden catapults being constructed in a joint effort between the colonies. They were then used to defeat a colony of black ants that had set up a nest close to the only water source in the area. After the battle which lasted only a few minutes, scientists state that the fire ants seemed to almost have what can only be described as a celebration similar to how maybe the Romans would have celebrated, with a massive orgy in which the now slave black ants were beaten and raped. It was a sight that left one scientist feeling "sick and ashamed to have witnessed." Many scientists have come forth and expressed their concerns that this could ultimately cause trouble for the human race if the ants unify and decide to turn against us but no plans are motion as to stop the Texas ants, instead they will simply be studied and put on watch.

The words came alive last night..... Seriously. These words, or maybe words like them...they came alive....and... and they killed a man. Don't ask me how because I have no clue....I just know they did. My words. My words that I wrote somehow killed another human being. I mean, I guess it's somewhat feasible to believe. If everything is reality, like me, you, air or even a book.....if it's all reality......think solid mass, then it could...I guess..... be. Wait, my words in thought are still my own, but once spoken they become yours as well.  See, because you heard them....they are now in you, apart of you. Now, take my words and write them. Now they become physical.....proof of their existence. We don't know everything in science, and most is just theory.... ink is ink and type is type, but they are there. When you see them, these words, they become their own entity.....alive....breathing, or some form of it. Maybe they don't need to breathe, like I said we don't know everything. But if they could somehow become alive, then they would want to stay that way.....and like you and I, would fight to keep living. Last night....my words killed a man

In the new memoir, "Only as big as you feel: Fighting monsters out of fear of finding myself ", Godzilla, the king of the monsters, talks of how his repeated toppling of Tokyo was his only way of fighting off his inner demons, one of which was an almost fifty year-long fight with alcoholism. The book, which is being released by Bantam Publishing, is a very frank and honest account of the fire-breathing lizards rise to fame and the hold that stardom took on him. In it Godzilla talks of how he was sexually abused by one of his fathers friends for most of his nonradioactive childhood days, and how, once gigantic, he  had no idea how to cope with the sudden attention his size and strength brought to his life. Below is a brief excerpt from the book being released next Tuesday. "Who am I? That's the question that I so have yearned to find the answer to. Famous and infamous all at the same time due to my now city toppling size, I was being attacked, it seemed, from all sides. Everyone wanted a piece of me. Screaming fans, fleeing townsfolk, military tanks, televisions Perry Mason....they all asked of me, and they most certainly all took. I was alone yet surrounded by everyone. I do remember I was just an insecure punk lizard who said I knew it all, but really knew nothing. So I drank. I drank to forget, I drank to remember and most importantly, I drank to fight just one more day. Now though, A.A. has taught me not to drink not for tomorrow, but for today. One day at a time is the mantra, and because of it I am stronger than ever before. By the grace of God go I. Roar." Early word for the book has been promising. Talks are even underway for a film adaptation staring Tom Cruise as Godzilla, Reece Witherspoon as Mothra and Samuel L. Jackson as the Smog Monster

For ex-professional champion Power-lifter and three-time Olympic gold medal winner(weightlifting) Jim White, retirement was not an excuse to finally let himself go and get flabby, it was an opening for him to try to give back to the community he loves.  His idea was simple enough, open a weight lifting gym and rec center for kids to go after school and leave it completely free for them to use with most of the funding coming straight from Jim's pocket. He never imagined the community that he loves would turn on him, but that's exactly what they did. The White Power Gym and Community Center opened in August 2011, by the end of September, after numerous complaints and a brief but tense stand-off with the Black Panthers, it closed for good. Mr White talked with us about what exactly went wrong, "Oh that's easy, it was the name. I never should have named it The White Power Gym, it sent a message that I wasn't trying to send. I quickly realized my mistake when all these skin head kids started showing up. I let them come back because I was trying to help them see the error of their ways, not encourage them like the Panthers said I was doing. When Jesse Jackson showed up, I wasn't being belligerent and I most certainly didn't mean to punch him, that whole day just got way out of hand. I have no clue who called him that, it wasn't me, and I really don't know why the cleaners decided to deliver the starched white sheets by hand when I usually pick them up, just bad luck I guess. Who started that fire? That's what I want to know, who the fuck started it?  And if it wasn't the Panthers then it must have been those strippers. I knew they were shady from the get go, especially the one with the fake leg, you could see the hate in her eyes. I'll be honest with you though, I didn't see that alligator coming, did you? That one came out of left field, didn't it? When it ate that kid I just knew my day had gone to shit. I really shouldn't have named the place what I did. Live and learn I guess. Live and learn. Were those beekeepers really racist beekeepers? Did you know there was an organization like that? I didn't. Those drag queens shouldn't have thrown that stuff on the cops like they did, who even brought those guys? Why were they there? That was fucked up. I didn't even think a horse could shit that much let alone hit a target like it did.  That was pretty amazing, especially when that midget fell from that hot air balloon. I'll be honest with you, as messed up as the day went, I wouldn't trade it for anything." There are no plans to reopen.

Washington D.C., President Obama spoke last Tuesday during a press conference about how chillingly close we really came to losing the Earth realm during the 2001 Mortal Kombat Competition, and what plans are underway so that this years competition does not make slaves of us all. For many years the government has kept the world in the dark about the annual Mortal Kombat competition which takes place every ten years in Outworld  and sees the Earthrealms best fighters go up against all other realms best fighters. It's a millennial old competition where the final outcome decides the losing worlds fate, but the invading universe must win ten straight competitions before taking over so usually there's nothing to worry about. In 2001, we had lost nine straight. In a panic, the governments of the world briefly united in secret to search for the one fighter that could possibly beat the Outworlds most fierce and best fighter, Prince Goro, who held the Mortal Kombat crown.  After an exhaustive search, the three chosen were Liu Kang, a Shaolin Monk from China, Special Agent Sonya Blade of the F.B.I and Johnny Cage, a bit actor who had appeared in various t.v. roles such as Walker,Texas Ranger. Apparently film star Steven Segal had wanted to go but could not get off from work at the Lake Jackson Sheriffs dept., a fact that still irks him today. The tournament, which was to take place over three days in Outworld, got off to a rocky start after Sonya Blade had to be removed from the fight list after she broke her ankle while getting off an escalator at the Outworld Interrealm Airport.  A day later, Johnny Cage was disqualified for illegal use of a narcotic when blood test results showed positive for both cocaine and steroids, the future of Earthrealm was bleak at best. Then the most amazing thing happened, an event that will surly rank among one of the greatest sports victories in history, Liu Kang beat them all. He was the underdog that no one had heard of or had any hope for, betting cicles around the world placed him last. It was probably this status that helped him win. The night of the final fight, it's been reported, that Prince Goro was feeling particularly cocky and self sure about the outcome and had started drinking heavily before the fight. At 8 p.m. central standard time(4 d.h Outworld time) the fight began, three minutes later, Liu Kang stood victorious after a flying bicycle kick knocked his four armed competitor to the ground, after which an amazing finishing move made Goros head explode and arms rip off. Our world was saved. President Obama honored Mr Kang Tuesday in a heartfelt speech about his life and what he did for all humanity. Sadly, Liu Kang died last year while serving time in a Chinese prison for crimes against the Peoples Republic, he was 37.

[color=black]A few little known facts about Albert Einstein As we all know, next week is the seventy-fifth anniversary of when Albert Einstein broke the land speed record while vacationing in Calcutta, India. To mark the occasion I thought it would be nice to present to you a few little known facts about this great and mysterious man. 1. His first love was always his love of Dance. He dreamed of one day opening his own studio but fell into Physics after his friend and roommate pressured him to get a job so that they could pay the rent. (on a sidenote, his then roommate went on to be one of the co-founders of the popular 70's disco, Studio 54) 2.  He created the popular drink Sex on the Beach while bar-tending one summer at a nightclub in Lake Havasu, Az. 3. He often liked to sleep in the nude. 4. He nicknamed his penis, Megamind. 5. He wrote three of the songs for the popular stage musical Grease. 6. He is still the current world record holder for the worlds biggest bubble gum bubble. 7. He wrote a romance novel at the age of 24 under the alias Todd Suess. The book, "The Storm down Below", was reviewed by the New York Times. Here's what the review had to say, "Trash is to nice a word for this book. Never before have there been so many nicknames for a mans penis then there have in this book, yet the actual word penis is never uttered once in the books almost 500 plus pages. It really is the strangest eroticism ever penned to paper." The book spent almost 6 weeks at number one in the Times bestseller list.


On September 15th, 1947, Roberto Duprie and Scott Talson, ages 15 and 17, walked to the Douglas Drugstore together to get some soda. Earlier in the day Scott had seen the pressure Roberto's parents put on him to be the best and most accomplished kid in the whole city, buying him whatever he needed to succeed but never being what he really needed, which was a parent. All Scott saw though was that Roberto came from a wealthy lifestyle and got cool things because of it. Right before the walk to the Drugstore, Roberto witnessed Scotts parents drink a few beers, even asking if he wanted one, cuss about the Yankees and not care at all about what Scott and his friend were doing. What Roberto didn't notice though was how much Scott yearned for some positive parental attention and when he failed to receive it, he chose to act out negatively in hope that they would notice him, a tactic that rarely was acknowledged. Roberto may not have seen his friends anguish but he sure saw how cool Scott had it because his parents were so cool. Both started talking about the others parents and how they each wished they could live in the others shoes, and both truly meant what they said at the time. Somewhere along the way Scott bent down to tie his shoe and noticed a nickel on the ground, Roberto noticed it as well and both bent over to grab it while still talking about the lives they wished they had. At the exact moment they each touched the nickel they each made the statement, "I wish I could just live your life" and bumped heads violently, knocking the two unconscious.  What happened next would be the first recorded case of Shlesinger-Switch Syndrome, a rare and fatal medical oddity that finds its victims, upon waking the next day after contracting the disease, to be living within the body of the person that gave it to them. Eventually, usually within five to seven days after switching bodies, the patients consciousness simply fades away when the brain goes into overdrive after one persons thoughts are overlapped with already existing neural pathways of another causing the overworked brain to short itself out in its final moments. If all of this sounds eerily familiar  to you don't be surprised, it may be a death sentence for the ones that have it but it sure has been a cash cow for all of Hollywood. At least 10 sugar-coated tales of the sickness have been filmed throughout the past few decades, starting with the family friendly Disney release,Freaky Friday and ending more recently with the Ryan Reynolds R rated comedy The Change Up. Another note from me, the cat who cares.....Okay, I realized early on that this piece was going to go on a little bit too long, leaving you(the reader) more than a little bit uncomfortable by the fact that even though it is a beautifully written piece of hard-edged reporting, uncovering the deep conspiracy of the film Freaky Friday and Walt Disney, whose involvement  with getting the disease wiped away from the medical journals and looked upon as a joke is one of the darkest days in the House of Mouse the sad fact remains.....you fucking love that muther-fuckin film.I agree, it is a joyous piece of cinema, but it should be noted that it is a film bathed in blood. The body count behind the making of the film is at least 14 dead, second only in number to the 1986 Fred Savage family comedy Vise Versa, which found the adorable child-like star(he was really 36 at the time of filming) switching bodies with over worked halfwit Judge Reinhold. That films death toll comes in at a spine tingling 22, most of which were children!! Respectively the Kirk Cameron body switch sci-fi thriller,Like Father like Son, only had 4 deaths during its three-month shoot and those were due to a Komodo dragon that had got loose during a filming of the show Jack Hanna's Wild Kingdom. You see that? I did it again, I started to write what I knew to be true, which was that I know when my posts begin to ramble on and that it's never a good thing when they do but somehow the explanation went on to be doing the exact same thing that I was trying to stop. I don't know if its comic genius or breast cancer within the words of today's post but what I can tell you in complete honesty is that Koalas are not bears. Did you notice how long some of the sentences I wrote were in the above post? Seriously, some of them were impossibly long, epic long in fact, like a Kubrick film. Critics adore him and all your friends say how masterful his films are but when you sit to watch one you always wake up 6 hours later with drool on the pillow and a question in your head as to why you can't make it through ten fucking minutes of any one film that the genius made. (I am including Full Metal Jacket and the Shining in this list. Full Metal is ruined by model turned actor Matt Modine and the Shining is nothing but long drawn out shots of hallways. Plus he changed the ending from the book which made no sense, why get the guy to come all the way up to the hotel after getting his shiny feel connection from the creepy kid only to have him get axed five minutes after arriving? He saved the mom and kids ass in the book, why change it? But the giant maze was cooler than the garden animals in the book so I will give Stan that point.....shit, I did it again.

The U.N. Population fund is reporting that as of October 31st of this year the world's population will pass the 8 billion mark, putting further strain on resources and land needed for everyday life. The hardest hit in the world population change will be those living in lower class situations, third world residents especially. Poverty and population seemingly go hand in hand since most families in these conditions usually have a larger number of children than their more wealthy counterparts(8 or more kids for poverty-stricken families as compared to an average of 2 kids for middle to upper class families). Despite the population swell and the fact that women far outnumber men in most, if not all countries, Travis Jowski of Glen Park, Florida, will probably still not be getting laid anytime soon. He could not be reached for comment.

Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween Three holidays that, when placed in the proper order of arrival, bring to mind costumes, colors and of course, Christ(or, if you're not into him then the C can stand for Christmas Story,they play it for 24 hours on TBS,they know funny). It also is a time for flashy decorations, gaudy costumes and whispering words of discomfort between estranged family members. It really is a magical time, but when exactly is it time for you to accept, and finally let your decorations come out of the closet? We at twistedclans are here to help, while we may not exactly "hang our stockings with care" or "do the monster mash" like some of our Gay or Lesbian readers do, we at least know a good "Blackberry Cobbler with Cool Whip" when we see one so we put together this handy reference guide simply because we care. Are you noticing how chilly it's getting outside? That my friends is what some like to call Ol Man Winter (or Jack Frost to our Asian friends) and while it may still be Fall, it means it's starting to feel like Winter so get those clothes out because it's cold out! So what's the point? I'll explain. Everyone likes winter clothes the best, only because they are the best. Anybody can look good in winter clothes, I don't care if you're Lindsey Lohan, you can still look good. The point being, if you start to see people in these type of clothes then you know it's time to maybe put out some decorations, possibly. Next, what month is it? Here's a test, get up right now(seriously, stand up) walk to a calender that you currently have somewhere within your home(or apartment, for all you single people out there), now, take a glance. Question, what month does it say? There you go. Finally, are you sad about something but have no idea what it is? That is what therapists love to call "repressed memories" or, in layman terms, nostalgia. It's a pretty good chance that if those memories are bubbling up as you get closer to some sort of family function that you don't really want to go to, chances are it's time to string those lights and show the neighborhood your "electric reindeer"(it's an 80's dance and a penis reference). Happy Holidays.

Scientists announced today the possibility of a Super Volcano forming within the nation of Bolivia, causing production of its number one import, cocaine, to stall for a few moments as those working inside the factories listened to the news. Javier Gonzalez, cocaine plant manager and factory foreman of twenty years, spoke to us by phone to quell rumors about the incident, "At approximately 2:15 p.m. west Bolivia time, for about ten minutes, the Santiago Cocaine Distribution corp. halted production so as to listen to the news of the upcoming super volcano. When no immediate threat was announced, production commenced and all workers went back to their jobs. I am here to tell you that there will be no upcoming cocaine shortage nor any loss of funds for our current investors." Despite this announcement, cocaine stock fell twenty-two points before the end of the market day

A recent surge of homes infested with Fraggles, up 40% from ten years ago, are driving homeowners to desperate measures as to how and handle it. For Wiltshire, Maryland resident Jack Stewart, it wasn't so much the Fraggles that were the problem, it was telling his kids where all the Fraggles went. "I swear to God, it was the cutest pest problem I ever had," Jack told us by phone, "I mean the Fraggles weren't so much the problem, it was the Dozers, those little fuckers took everything apart in the walls of our house just so that they could build their little city. The Fraggles though, they were actually cute and our kids absolutely adored them. I mean, I wouldn't let our kids touch them, I don't know what the hell they carry, rabies, who knows, but they were fun to watch.  Eventually they just became too much to handle, plus my wife saw one in the shower, when that happened she gave me no choice, the Fraggles had to go, but I didn't have a clue as to how and break the news to my kids." Fraggles were discovered in the early eighties by a couple of cave divers during a routine exploration. When the two became lost due to faulty equipment, they were led to safety by a yellow-haired Fraggle the cavers named Wembley. The three became an overnight sensation and scientists scrambled from all over to study the human-like creatures. The excitement was short-lived though when news broke out that Wembley had died while en route to a taping of the Tonight Show when the transport he was in was placed to close to a tigers cage that was headed to the same taping. Scientists soon found out how fast Fraggles were breeding as well, with one mother laying nearly 4000 children in her life span, it was soon realized that the world would soon have a problem on its hands had something not been done. A plan was hatched to seal off the cave they lived in but the day of the confinement, at least 1300 Fraggles escaped through other fissures in the cave. Nearly thirty years later we still have a problem that as of late, was thought to be under control. With more and more infestations taking place it's clear that Fraggles are here to stay. The price it's putting on homeowners is more than just financial, it's emotional as well, just ask Jack, who had these final things to say, "They didn't go lightly that's for sure, cost me nearly five thousand dollars, and we still don't know if we got them all. To add insult to injury, toward the end of the fumigation, my kids come home from school and see hundreds of dead Fraggles lined up in little tiny body bags on the side of the house......My littlest one is still crying six months later. My advice to you if you get  Fraggles and have kids, don't let them know what happened when you decide to kill them, trust me."

Minneapolis, Mn For Twin Cities resident Henry Webber, Pokemon was more than just a children's card game, it was a highly sophisticated, multinational government coverup involving over 18 nations, some of who are not only no longer  on our friends list, but have been blocked completely from even contacting us. "Oh yes," Henry told us by phone, "some of the nations that were involved were most definitely  enemies of America. Have you ever heard of a little place called Afghanistan? Over three hundred Pokemon come from there so it stands to reason that this whole war thing that we got happening is actually nothing more than a ruse(he takes a dramatic pause) a ruse to capture and kill any remaining Pokemon that were living within the mountains. Viscous and cruel Pokemon such as Electrike(he hands me a card with a picture of a cute little electric creature). That Pokemon may have been responsible for the Thai Tsunami, but you would never hear that from the actual news." As proof of the existence of Pokemon, Henry hands me a card with a picture of a creature called Steelix and runs back to his bedroom, nearly twenty-two minutes later(and one exhausting conversation with his mother, who he lives with) Henry reappears holding a little lizard/cat creature, and tells me it's the same one in the card I was shown. I swear to God, my jaw hit the fucking floor. Then, he says some crazy Japanese sounding word and the fucking things tail starts spinning! I flew out of that house so fast.......I mean I was fucking gone! I mighta shit my pants even, I don't know yet....(breathing heavily)I was so fucking scared!"

The crime-ridden, alcoholic nation of Poland went before NATO today complaining that stereotypes about their communistic land are hurting its economy, namely the tourist portion. When the anti-Semitic speaker of Poland had finished he was met with a small amount of applause and some light finger snapping from the hippie loving, pot smoking liberal representatives of Nato(Sean Penn was there). Reps for the Asian portions of the world and the people who are clearly smarter than everyone(especially where math is concerned) gave Poland its full support in getting rid of stereotypes, adding "We very, very excited to support Poland in stereotype problem. We know all to well stereotyping, it bad, bad thing. Ching chow." He then drove off and wrecked into the building across the street. The wild animal roaming, dirt road nation of Poland also got support from the racist nation of South Africa, the Nazi loving Germany and the really bad dancing white guy in the corner. More as it develops.

Hidden deep within this very post, a Ninja lies in wait. Can you spot him? Of course you can't, he's a fucking Ninja! They hide like this for a living, IT'S THEIR FUCKING JOB! That's right, Ninjas are supposed to be quiet. Not a peep from a Ninja, not even a fart, and if they do have to fart you can damn well bet it's gonna be silent and deadly! Why? Cuz Ninjas know that when the shit goes down, and it most certainly will go down if a Ninjas around, but when they around, it pays to be quiet and hide. Shhh! You hear that? That's right, you didn't hear shit because a Ninja didn't become a Ninja by being all loud and shit. He was trained in the ancient Ninja art, stuff you can't learn by going to College. Unless it's a Ninja college, but I don't know where one is and if there is one around here, I don't think they're taking your application any time soon. WHAT WAS THAT? Was that the Ninja? I don't know man, but I'm freaking out here! I feel like Grover in that book, There's a Monster at the End of this Book. You know the one, where Grover is saying "don't turn the page, don't turn the page! There's a monster at the end of this book!" Yet we the reader just keep saying "fuck you Mr Grover", and keep on turnin. But when we get to the end we all find out that Grover was the monster at the end and everybody ends up happy. Except, this ain't no book, and I'm no Ninja and you most certainly ain't happy.

Scottsdale, Az- Regardless of how Megan Reed may act whenever she meets people for the first time, Ryan Barber, her boyfriend of four months, swears up and down that, "she really isn't a bitch". Friends of Ryan would disagree though, even going as far as calling her a "Super Bitch" on his Facebook page just to get their opinion across. The conflict of opinion started after Ryan was first set up on a date with Megan  by a co-worker, immediately the two hit it off and started seeing each other exclusively, much to the despair of everyone Ryan knows. We talked to Bryan Barber, Ryan's brother, who told us just how much a bitch Megan really is, "Mega-bitch." Devon Montgomery, Ryan's best friend of six years, had this to tell us, "You know that saying you tell someone when they are acting like a bitch, that they are walking around acting like their shit don't stink? Well, and this is really creepy, her shit literally does not stink. I mean, I know it's weird but her shit smells more like vanilla. If that doesn't tell you something then I don't know what will." Megan could not be reached for comment.

Detroit, Michigan If you find yourself somehow traveling towards Detroit at breakneck speed and you haven’t a clue as to why you would be going there, there can be only one reason: You’re on your way to the Lair of the Hairless Bear. At one point in each of our lives we are all called upon by the Hairless Bear. We don't know when the Bear will call, we just know that he will and that when it happens we will be judged. If the Hairless Bear judges you to not be worthy of this life, then the Hairless Bear will eat you and your time on this Earth will be through(as in the case of my father). Most though are judged in a positive light and are able to leave with the Hairless Bears approval, so don't worry. When you arrive at the entrance to the cave of the Hairless Bear, note the way the ground is tilted. If it is tilted up then the month of April will be especially rainy, if it is tilted down, then a famous celebrity will possibly become impregnated in the coming days, and if the ground is not tilted at all then that is the Hairless Bears way of telling you to lay off the carbs. Scientists have yet to understand how the Hairless Bear can control these things, we just know that he can and it must be accepted. If on the way to the Hairless Bear, he tells you by mental telepathy to pick him up some gummi bears, it would be a smart decision to do as told. A few people have failed to meet the Hairless Bears requests and those same people are no longer with us, the Hairless Bear sent them all to Canada. No one knows why the Hairless Bear sends people to Canada(Toronto, usually) we just know that he started doing this sometime around 1986 and that it must be accepted. People wearing shorts when meeting the Hairless Bear will not be accepted into the Hairless Bears chamber. If you find that upon your calling to the Hairless Bear you are wearing shorts, then it must be accepted that upon arrival you will probably be either eaten(most likely) or banned to Canada(least likely). No one knows why the Hairless Bear hates shorts, we just understand that he does and so it must be accepted. Finally, the Hairless Bear is a daunting and time consuming task for most people. You need to try and just have fun with it and let the way of the Hairless Bear help you grow into the man or woman that all of us become. Yes the Hairless Bear is scary, but that is only because he is a Bear and Bears are pretty scary up close. Just remember he's also Hairless, and being Hairless is funny, especially for a Bear

Glade, Tennessee After getting lost almost three years ago while their family was vacationing in Yellowstone Park, the unbearably adorable and crazily mismatched duo of  Buddy the Black Lab and Jasper the Calico cat have finally made it home, and the community surrounding them has been stricken with “aww shucks” fever. Sadly, the home that they once knew is no longer their home. Upon arrival at their former doorstep, the trio(they were joined about halfway through their journey by a Beagle named Rivers who suffers from Hyper tension disorder) were met with a stern look of disapproval and the boot of the old Mexican lady who now owns the home. We spoke to Mike Richards, the Animal Control officer who was dispatched to their former home for pickup,"For three years these animals have made an incredible journey, now that journey has come to an end. They will be split up now and placed in holding stations for either euthanasia or adoption, but considering the age of these animals it really doesn't look good." For adoption information please contact your local A.S.P.C.A

cent poll conducted by CNN shows that seventy nine percent of the general public is in total agreement but another fourteen percent completely disagree. Those in complete disagreement rose almost three percent from last years poll which has left most experts baffled as to what might be going on for so much differences of opinion from the public. It is of note though that those who simply do not care stayed the same at 4%  as did the number for those that were to busy for the poll at 3%.


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